Sincere guy!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmanMegha2909
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly...

She isn’t your friend anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I sincerely agree with the doctor!
πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abishiekh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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I sincerely apologize.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckallFoetus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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My friend used to sincerely talk about the works of Hemingway...

He was Ernest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I made a joke about the song Staying Alive and how it sounds like women singing. Apparently many of you didn’t like it.

Hereby my sincere apolobeegies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pleasethelions
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Some people say its crazy for a frog to be in love with a pig...

...but it just requires a bit of kermitment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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The guy who stole my diary just died,

My thoughts are with his family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/des_being_weird
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Watching the Olympics with my Wife

She asked about the girl on screen getting ready for her routine: "Is she Russian?"

To which I replied : "No she's taking her time"

The eye roll was fantastic.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrono32123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?

Capitalist

My sincere apologies in advance πŸ˜‰

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SY7777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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To everyone who thinks the moonlanding was fake

I sincerely apollo-gise

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilTimmy123456789
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Why did the relationship between 2 cheese wheels fail?

One wasn’t Gouda nuff for the other... πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€ͺ Sincerely, Dad

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said β€œI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : β€œMay I ask what the turkey did?”


I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fred1840
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Crane operator pulled this on me today

While on a roof 40 feet above the operator he shuts off the crane and says "you know snarky, I really look up to you"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snarky2113
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2015
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My dad, the grammar nazi

Me: "Me, Matthew, Luke and John are going down the park"

Dad: "You mean Matthew, Luke, John and I are going down the park"

Me: "No dad, your not coming"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NojWerdna
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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Dammit Dad

In a museum gift shop

Dad (picks up a small globe): "I had one of these when I was a kid, I loved it. It meant the world to me"

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waspeater
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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Do I have to turn in my Dad card?

A young lady approached my wife and me at the park while we were watching the kids play. She asked if we would like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. We happily accepted and talked to her for a moment while she showed us the options and told us about each type of cookie. We made our selection, and she went on her way.

I failed to ask her which ones were made from real Girl Scouts.

I sincerely apologize for this oversight, everyone. Can I still be a Dad?

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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How to sinners get out of Hell?

They have to be SINcere to god

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CemorTittiee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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"That's the closest thing to crap I have ever eaten," I told the waiter.

"I apologise sincerely, sir," he replied.

I said, "No need. It's the carp."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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So, the British Tennis player was talking to his girlfriend

"So, how old will your daughter be next month?" "15, love."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natch42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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[Serious] Thank you /r/dadjokes community!

Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.

My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.

I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.

So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!

My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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I should take notes

It was Sunday dinner and my mom was telling the family about the last day at her old job.

Mom: Yesterday was a sad day, oh wait sorry, Friday was a sad day, yesterday was saturday

Dad (sounding sincere but knowing exactly what he is doing): I'm sorry to hear that honey. So is today the saddest day?

after a confused look from my mom, and a shared smirk + head shake from my brother and I, my dad then begins giggling to himself and basking in his own cleverness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tbey52
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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Dear, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

You're name is my name too!

Sincerely,

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DroopyDrewP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
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We were eating at a resturant tonight...

I said to the waiter "I'll have the "cured" duck breast"

and my dad turned to the waiter with the most sincere face and said "did it go to a local hospital?"

The waiters face omfg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsallgoooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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SEND HELP

I've lost my fiancΓ© to r/dadjokes and I'm afraid he wont come back to me.

Reddit please give him back :(

Sincerely, His very cold ans lonely lady

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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I should really be a dad for this one...

So a few of us guys and some gals are working at a site for a university show. A couple of the girls wanted to learn how to use power tools, so we taught them. After a few minutes, one of the girls says:

girl: wow this really is a lot of work just for a hole...

to which I reply: THAT'S WHAT IV'E BEEN SAYING!!

everyone laughed, but I sincerely felt bad for that one... thought you guys might get a kick outta it too!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pigi8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2014
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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A dirty-ish joke that my dad once told me...

So my dad told me this joke several years ago. I later found it on the internet. So I'm just pasting it here as it is written online:


A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said β€˜I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, β€˜What’s your name?’

The guy said, β€˜My name is Penis van Lesbian.’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

β€˜I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

β€˜So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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