"Well, at least you could try."
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
"I couldnβt concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasnβt suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldnβt cut it as barber, didnβt have the patience to be a doctor, didnβt fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldnβt see any future as a historian!"
"Itβs a moving violation!"
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"
"...hare today, gone tomorrow."
Our boys got bags with new toothbrushes and stuff from their dentist visit. Out oldest looked inside and said "hey, it cane with floss!"
Without looking up from the TV, I blurted out "that's floss-some".
My uncle said to my grandmother that he saw a picture of Jane Fonda when she was younger and he said she was really cute. I say across the room, "I guess he was really Fonda her"
Melons and cauliflowers
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Bubble 07
Theoretical Fizz-ics.
I said I can only afford to be your Salt Bae
The orthocentre
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Milk, itβs pasteurized before you can even see it!
Now they can Scandinavian!
A sighclops.
So I'm proud to say I made my first dad joke not even 5 min after my son way born.
After he came out, the doctor weighed my son. Doctor said "wow look at the size of those hands!".
Which I had to reply instantly " you know what they say about babys with big hands eh?!?" .... "big gloves" !!
To whole room cracked up and my women just sighed and said. "Really.."
Me: I donβt know about you, but I drove to work.
Cause 1 more would be 240 (read in an Irish accent, sounds like too farty)
He still has the right to remain silent.
I told them It depends on how much work I have pending
Toot-in-common.
Tell him you're all ears.
[I just thought of this while eating dinner and I'm pretty happy with it. I chuckled, and even my partner didn't sigh her usual sigh!]
Marvel obviously ran out of names for their heroes. They named him "Antman". Wouldnt it just be better to name him "Uncle"?
This is the punchline.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname βthe machineβ for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him βHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?β
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. βWhat do you mean?β He said.
The reporter clarified βliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!β
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed βyeah, my greatest failure...β
βWhat do you mean?β Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh letβs out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
βIβve been aiming left this whole timeβ
In their sleevies!
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, βDarling, don't you think itβs time to tell him heβs adopted?"
Director: "you mean a choir?"
Me: exasperated sigh yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?
https://preview.redd.it/8ppw52plovi21.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dca9d9190f206d5164191b6da515bbb67772c7ba
Whoβs there? Woo Woo who?
Why are you excited?
One of my first Dad joke attempts and my kids didnβt even get it, sigh.
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
β¦ sigh
You just did !
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
