Holy sh*t
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkLord9988
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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O sh*t
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnacksAttacked
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Told the wife the hair product she bought was fake sh*t. She asked how I knew.

I told her it's literally in the name. Shampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secrethat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Holy Sh*t!
πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Ah I’ve had enough of this sh*t

Said the man with piles

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigboi360420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Couldn't give a sh!t

I'm out for breakfast with my S.O. who is a nurse and her family. She's telling us about her patient.

S.O. - He had a paralyzed bowel.

Her Dad - He didn't give a shit.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runningwithsizers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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My grandfather came in, complaining about his diarrhea. He kept repeating, β€œSh. Sh.”

Took us a while to realize that he lost β€œit”.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2016
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The local police station has had its toilet stolen

Officers have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A harry potter joke.

Student: Ah Sh*t, I used the wrong ingredients...

Horace Slughorn: *gasp* do not use such vial language in this classroom!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...

...I have Stuck Home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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I pooped out a rope!!!

I sh*t you knot!!!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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You can never trust your gut

It’s always full of sh!t

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterPrize
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Love to see it
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niko5253
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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I have a party trick

I swallow 2 pieces of string, after they've passed through my body they come out joined together. I sh*t you knot.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuttonChopzzz
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I feel bad for toilet paper

Its seen some sh**

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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My girlfriend told me to stop singing "I'm a Believer".

At first, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face...

πŸ‘︎ 851
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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BBC
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediocrementor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Me: Why Does your toilet have wooden shoes inside of it?

Friend: Oh sorry, its clogged

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?

For Hispanic attacks

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Thieves stole all the toilets out of the local police station.

Detectives say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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I'm going to make a bold prediction

Prediction

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boredcircuits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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Math?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

Well measured.

>!The expression evaluates true, but it also forms a limmerick when read out loud (click it to read a spoken version).!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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What did one buttcheek say to the other one?

β€œTogether, we can stop this sh*t”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexySurf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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A stoner and the stoned
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RPGamer954
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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My colleague invented a machine that would steal other people’s ideas, and wipe them off the subject’s memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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From a post on r/funny about Aquaman
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paddan17
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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What do you call a man with no shins?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Algernon21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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Politics is like using a bidet.

If you’re too much to the left or to much to the right, it’s sh*tty.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matcorn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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The new Windows 10 theme song is

Clash: Lock The Taskbar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chx_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops...

I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What would Jesus Poo?

Holy Sh!T.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AHighTeddy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a rabbi say after the circumcision?

Begone, dickhead!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AutisticSombrero
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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My child accidentally pooped his pants as we were getting in an elevator.

I’m taking this sh*t to a whole new level.

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A good joke is like a good fart.

If you have to force it, it is probably sh*t

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchyBrush
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
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Whay school does Sherlock Holmes' kid go to?

"Elementary" dear Watson "Elementary"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simple_name_guy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall into a ravine on the other side...

...needless to say, he lost his sh*t.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shi-Rokku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report

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