Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
Itβs just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.
Because I canβt stop looking achoo
Every BBQ is a dumpsterfire!
The headline was βpun and ten deadβ (meant to sound like pun intended.)
Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it
I bet thereβs gold in them/their hills.
(Shamelessly stolen from danimidwest on tiktok)
I work for the school system doing before and after school child care. Today, during outside playtime, a fourth grader came up to me and said "I hit my shin on the bench." I couldn't help but reply "Man..that's a really bad shinjury."
^^^^I'll ^^^^let ^^^^myself ^^^^out.
Me: "Yea, it was intense"
Dad: "Like the indians..." flahes goofy smile in anticipation for laughs
Sister:Excuse me waitress I never got my salad Waitress:Oh I'm sorry it'll be right out Dad:It better not get cold! (hysterical laughing)
Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.
At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).
I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.
It went something along the lines of this:
DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.
Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.
DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.
Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.
DM: Well, yeah maybe.
And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.
Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.
A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.
I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"
We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.
About halfway!
Note: Shamelessly stolen from the Muppet Movie.
They take things literally.
(Free irony included, this joke is shamelessly stolen)
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues
Shamelessly stolen from @techconnectify on Twitter and YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy0tKL1T7wFoYcxCe0xjN6Q)
It had too many problems
It's very time consuming.
Shamelessly taken from a Game Theory video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180
Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:
- Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
- Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
- High five from another shameless dad nearby
- Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
Another shameless cash grab exploiting the popularity of Cattle Royale.
It was a shameless plug.
shameless shelf promotion
dozen tit?
With a Pumpkin patch.
Shamelessly reposted from the Library of Congress twitter account.
https://twitter.com/librarycongress/status/923559845927809026
My parents are redoing the bathroom, so the vanity was in the living room. Talking to my mom about her broken Fitbit.
Her: I had it charging all day, and it won't connect to my phone. I tried to use the sync-
Me: but it's sitting on the couch!
Her: shamelessly shakes her head and high fives me
I'm gonna be good at this whole dad thing.
And I could barely keep myself from asking, "What about Yugoslavia lists?"
Shamelessly stolen from Chandler Bing, the master of dad jokes.
It was a monumental undertaking.
"I'm already covered."
edit: shameless plug - wrinkledforeskin.wordpress.com
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.
Shamelessly found online, but I am, in fact, a dad.
Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)
Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)
Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."
Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"
Me: "What the crab is this?"
Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.
(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)
I recently subscribed to this sub and it's my new favorite. I shamelessly stole the "tan line" joke for Facebook and a nerd volley with another dad ensued quickly.
Me: Wow, this warmer weather is getting me ready for spring. Hey, I'm already getting ready for summer, check out my tan line! <graph of tangent>
Him: It's certainly not a farmer's tan line...not straight enough.
Me: No farmer's life for me. It's not something I'd sine up for.
Him: ...and I wouldn't cosine your startup loan. (groan)
Me: Sheesh, there's no reason to be hyperbolic.
Him: I really must learn how to integrate all your math vocabulary into my daily life.
Me: You'd really have to think of some way to differentiate yours from mine.
Him: heh...maybe after I move to the delta and crawl under a natural log. I'm sorry, it just struck me that I'm acting the total asymptote.
Me: Ugh. The average of the posts in this thread is degenerating.
Him: We've traversed a slippery slope and while I don't mean to be mean we've gone way past the apex of this thread.
My wife: Nerds.
Me: You married me.
