Shamelessly stolen from the "Flying Pigs" comedy troop.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Shamelessly stolen from mock the week

Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bootcamptim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway!

Note: Shamelessly stolen from the Muppet Movie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blisspoint2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?

One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues

Shamelessly stolen from @techconnectify on Twitter and YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy0tKL1T7wFoYcxCe0xjN6Q)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Beautiful dad joke delivery on Australian national TV last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180

Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:

  • Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
  • Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
  • High five from another shameless dad nearby
  • Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p-hodge
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I saw a kickstarter for a game where bulls had to fight each other for survival.

Another shameless cash grab exploiting the popularity of Cattle Royale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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How do you mend a broken Jackolantern?

With a Pumpkin patch.


Shamelessly reposted from the Library of Congress twitter account.

https://twitter.com/librarycongress/status/923559845927809026

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomic1fire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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Washing your hands?

My parents are redoing the bathroom, so the vanity was in the living room. Talking to my mom about her broken Fitbit.

Her: I had it charging all day, and it won't connect to my phone. I tried to use the sync-

Me: but it's sitting on the couch!

Her: shamelessly shakes her head and high fives me

I'm gonna be good at this whole dad thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sngx94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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My teacher was talking about making checklists.

And I could barely keep myself from asking, "What about Yugoslavia lists?"

Shamelessly stolen from Chandler Bing, the master of dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FX114
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo0709
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Nerd-Dad Volley

I recently subscribed to this sub and it's my new favorite. I shamelessly stole the "tan line" joke for Facebook and a nerd volley with another dad ensued quickly.

Me: Wow, this warmer weather is getting me ready for spring. Hey, I'm already getting ready for summer, check out my tan line! <graph of tangent>

Him: It's certainly not a farmer's tan line...not straight enough.

Me: No farmer's life for me. It's not something I'd sine up for.

Him: ...and I wouldn't cosine your startup loan. (groan)

Me: Sheesh, there's no reason to be hyperbolic.

Him: I really must learn how to integrate all your math vocabulary into my daily life.

Me: You'd really have to think of some way to differentiate yours from mine.

Him: heh...maybe after I move to the delta and crawl under a natural log. I'm sorry, it just struck me that I'm acting the total asymptote.

Me: Ugh. The average of the posts in this thread is degenerating.

Him: We've traversed a slippery slope and while I don't mean to be mean we've gone way past the apex of this thread.

My wife: Nerds.

Me: You married me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RFtinkerer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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