How do you get to second base with a ghost?

You touch its BOO-bies.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funbot45
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I got to second base...

Ahhh, the mammaries

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dreph
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it longer to run from first base to second base, or second base to third base?

Second to third. Because there's a shortstop in the middle.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bepeacock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What's Forrest Gump's computer password?

1forrest1

πŸ‘︎ 740
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nearly_Mental
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments

I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.

Keep it up you silly gooses!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ninthpower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best...

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I made my wife smack me last night.

The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.

I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.

So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.

She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"

I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."

She smacked me.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/argash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves"

πŸ‘︎ 276
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Shitty Band Names

Can you guys come up with toilet-based puns for musicians/band names? Like Poo Fighters, Turdy Seconds from Mars, sTool, Pee Diddy, Our Lady Piss, Fart Minor, Michael PooplΓ©. That's all I have for now :D

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ellynmeh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad chiming in on our musical discussion

"We'll I played bass in high school...second base." Referring to his baseball career and obviously the spelling is for context.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acaseofhalitosis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
🚨︎ report
So I was eating an improperly cooked pudding...

For dessert we'd made something called a queen of cakes which involves a custard and breadcrumb base and a meringue topping. The custard hadn't set properly and as eating I said, "This hasn't set properly, it's like curdled custard!" seconds later my dad replied with "Was that in the dining room with the candlestick?" I was the only one that got it, I must say I'm impressed, just finished a game of cluedo with the family.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/curryhouseindia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Teacher dadjoked an athlete

The girl plays softball and had recently jad a game so he was talking to her about it:

Teacher: So what position do you play?

Student: I play first and second base and right field.

Teacher: Wow you must be really fast to play all of those positions in a game

Confusion and groans ring out among the students surrounding her and they proceed to stare at me as I chuckle in my seat.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kiefgarrett
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's favorite thing to do while watching football.

Watching the Chargers-Bengals game, one of the Bengals defensive linemen is named Gilberry.

My dad says, "If his first name was Din, he would be Din Gilberry." Followed by a solid 30 seconds of laughter.

He will make puns based on players names at least once every game.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thuperboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.