A list of puns related to "Say It Right"
Be back in a .gif
Lovely man… terribly bad foreign language teacher—no idea why the school hired him.
"Off course it is"
A: "No, everything is all left-over here!"
It.
Dam
We’re totally screwed.
"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
If you're out in the desert on a horse with no name, you probably have the time to come up with a name for it.
Maybe it's the rider who has no name (and a poor sense of where to locate a subordinate clause): "I, with no name, have been through the desert on a horse."
Or maybe it was the desert that had no name?
What if "No-Name" was some friend who was riding with him?
It's also possible that what he means is that maybe the horse has a name (say, Charley the Horse) but that the horse isn't FAMOUS. He's just ol' Charley the horse, not Secretariat or Trigger or one of those A-list horses with a NAME. This possibility is the saddest, though. Imagine you're the horse, out there in the frickin' DESERT, and some schmoe is making you carry his ass around--and not even for any good reason, right, he's not actually going anywhere, he's totally just taking advantage of your good nature--and all he can do is go on and on about what a nobody of a horse you are.
Even if his name really was Charley, if that were to happen now, everyone on the Internet would start calling that poor horse "Horsey McHorseface."
OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.
I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.
IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!
Right after the guards turn out the lights in the block, it gets quiet for a second, then he hears a lone voice at the end say "27!" The whole block erupts in laughter. The new guy asks his cellmate what is going in.
The cellmate explained "The guards don't like us talking after lights out. But we love jokes. We know all the jokes by heart, so we number them. When one of us wants to tell a joke, one of us calls out the number and everyone gets a good laugh."
The new guy look skeptical, so the cellmate says "You can try it. You can call out any number, and we will know the joke." The new guys shrugs, then calls out "43!" The whole block meets him with dead silence, not a peep. The cellmate says "Well, I guess not everybody can tell a joke."
He comes across a nativity scene with animals, Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the three wise men wearing firemen's suits and helmets, carrying axes and holding a hose.
The confused guy knocks on the homeowner's door and says "that's a great nativity scene but what's up with the wise men?"
"Whatta ya mean?" the homeowner asks in a deep South voice.
"Why are they all in firemen's outfits? It makes no sense," the New Yorker answers.
The homeowner says "It's in the bible, the nativity story."
"I don't think so," the New York man replies.
The homeowner runs in the house, comes back with her bible, turns to Matthew 12 and says "See yer wrong. It's right dere on the first line - "the wise men came from afar."
Alice and Bob were a loving and happily-married couple. Through the years, while they had their little differences, they could rest assured knowing they could work out said differences. This way, their bond grew stronger as the years went by.
However, there was one facet of their life that always had them at loggerheads. Alice never believed the weather forecast put out by Rudy, at their local TV station, despite Bob's attempts to convince her otherwise.
"I don't trust him. He's a liar, and he's always wrong. Worse still, he's a communist."
"I really don't see what his political leaning has to do with the accuracy of his forecasts, darling."
"Mark my words, Bobby, I'll be proven right".
And yet, when the forecast predicted sunny weather and the sun blazed down, Alice remained unconvinced.
An accurate forecast of snow? "Bah, even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
And so it went on. Bob found the predictions accurate (or as accurate as one can hope for from tea-leaf reading or whatever science the weathermen used). However, Alice wouldn't budge.
One morning, Alice was dressing to go walking, and Bob had his hands full trying to convince her otherwise.
"Sweetie, they say there's going to be a torrential downpour soon. Can't you walk another day?"
"Absolutely not! You might not want to join me, but I'm getting my walking in for the day."
"At least take an umbrella, or a raincoat with you. You're going to get drenched, Allie."
"How can you be so sure it's going to rain, huh? Still trusting that charlatan?"
Bob sighed, drew himself up and pronounced: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
First one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Every time he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over and won't be done until it's spread all over the paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Second one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, then take it in his mouth and spit it around and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Third one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, then roll around in it and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Fourth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, then dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Fifth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, then dig a bit into the soil with his right forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Sixth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, dig a bit into the soil with his right forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, then dig a bit into the soil with his left hindhoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Seventh one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, dig a bit into the soil with his right fore
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3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
🎃 Because he couldn’t get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
👀 Eye see you.
Why didn’t the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
👈🏻 The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
📺 Because U isn’t included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
❓The response is always, “Y, you ask?”
Why did the horse become a comedian?
🐴 He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
🍌 They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
🍋 Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
🧂 Because they’re salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
🍝 It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
🌋 I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
🪴 Stacy’s a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
💕Because “Be you” is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought it’d be included.
Rabbit: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? owner says no, we don't make carrot pie. Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? No! We don't make carrot pie! Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? No! I told you already! Rabbit came 3 days in a row so the owner thinks; I'm gonna make him a carrot pie he might be a regular! Earn some money. Next day rabbit comes: Hi! Do you have carrot pie? Owner answers yes! Its right here! Rabbit answers: It's disgusting, isn't it?
…the pro tells the rookie to tee off first so he can start to analyze his swing and come up with a lesson plan for the round. The first-timer tees it up, stands over the ball with his driver, and to the pro’s surprise, smashes the ball 375 yards with a slight draw tracking right for the hole. The pro stands there mouth agape, shocked.
The rookie notices the ball is headed towards the group in front of them and turns and says to the pro “hey what’s that thing you’re supposed to yell when the ball might hit someone else?”
The pro, still dumbfounded mutters “well it’s too late now”.
The rookie turns back towards the group ahead and shouts at the top of his lungs “WELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW!!!”
Including a hat with a plume on his head, eye patch over his eye, cutlass on his hip, a small steering wheel sticking out of his pants, a peg leg on the left side and a tall leather boot on his right. When he gets to the bar, the bartender says "A magnificent entrance, but what's with the steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replied..."Arghhh, it's driving me nuts!"
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
A dad nudges the person next to him and says, "damn right it is! I was late already
A guest arrives at a boutique hotel in the woods. The front desk says “Welcome! Your room is ready and the wifi password is bearsbearsbears. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.”
The next day, the guest returns from a hike and the front desk says, “Welcome back! Your room has been cleaned and the wifi password is bearsbearsbears. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.”
That night, as the guest is heading out for dinner, the front desk says, “Good evening! I hope you enjoy your meal and the wifi password is –” “Right, thanks”, the guest interrupts. “I think I have it. You tell me wifi password every time!” The front desk says, “I know, but it’s bears repeating.”
The therapist asks "So bat, what seems to be the problem?"
The bat says "I dunno, every time I try to go to sleep, it feels like my whole world is right side up"
Our 3yo daughter was counting at dinner. And as 3 year olds sometime do, she was mispronouncing by saying “1 Mistersippi… 2 Mistersippi… etc.” Our 8yo immediately corrected her, “It’s MISSISSIPPI not MISTERsippi”. I jumped in with, “He’s right. Mistersippi is Mississippi’s husband.” I got eye rolls from both the 8yo and my wife. Mission accomplished.
My 7yo just heard her aunt say that if school was cancelled again this month, that the kids would drive their mom nuts. My daughter pulled out a sandwich bag, filled it with almonds and put it in her toy car and rolled it at mom and said "I can drive her nuts right now". Proud dad moment.
Day 7 of posting soapy dad jokes for a week!
I was going to post just one joke today but due to the situation right now, I have decided to post 7 just to try to lighten the mood a bit.
Here we go...!
>!to get to the other tides!!<
>!But it was a pack of lyes!!<
>!then it dawned on me.!<
>!then it's a soap opera.!<
>!cops say they got away clean!!<
>!is it the foamer or the lather?!<
And lastly...
>!All the good ones keep slipping through my fingers! :(!<
Hope you enjoyed that! Please have a nice day!
>!Stay strong, Ukraine!!<
A couple are arguing about whether they should cancel the picnic they had planned.
It's kind of cloudy, but the wife still wants to go because the forecast looks ok.
The husband, however, heard from their cranky old Russian neighbor Rudy that his joints were achy, and that he was certain it was going rain that day.
The couple argues for a while. The wife insists they should listen to the weather man over some crotchety old neighbor. The husband is equally insistent that the neighbor is right about this. After some back and forth, he finally turns to his wife, exasperated, and says:
Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.
Pointing at the clock on the oven saying, "its right here!" is how you get the following response from your wife: "I knew you were going to say something stupid so I thought about not asking."
That is a win in my column!
"I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major drinking session. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar.", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"
No idea why the school hired him.
The interviewers tell him: “Sorry, I don’t think you’re right for the job.”
The clown says: “But you said you were looking for people for your IT department.”
I wouldn’t say it’s wrong, but it’s definitely not right
Yep! It says it right here, Hebrews.
A plumber walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to know what it would cost for you to take a look at our sewer line that keeps backing up," the bartender says. "Well, it would be $100 an hour if I fix it right now," the plumber replies. "Otherwise it will be two weeks until I'm free." "Okay," the bartender replies. "I'll give you a ring in two weeks," and walks off. "Why didn't you have him fix it today?" a nearby waitress asks the bartender. "It's worth waiting two weeks to see if he's going to do it for free," the bartender replies.
I guess you could say it flew right thru me
Left eye says to right eye: You and I never see eye to eye.
Right eye: True, it's like there's always a bridge between us.
(hopefully) Original dadjoke. Tested on my 20 year old daughter 😁
I was reading this week's calendar to my high school daughter.
Me: "Easter this day, dentist this day, eye doctor that day..."
Daughter: "Nothing lands on 04/20?"
Me: "No sweetie... Everything is high on 04/20."
After begrudgingly knowing she walked right into that, she walked away saying, "So, I guess it's up in the air."
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