I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview

I'm pretty sure I left a bad impression.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButtahChicken
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Have you ever encountered That Terrible Itch by T.H. Rush?

I’m in the middle of it at the moment but it’s a bit of a head scratcher.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2023
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my doctor's always in a rush

You'd think he'd have some patience

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minat0_119
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2023
🚨︎ report
Did you ever hear about the man of many secrets, who was always in a rush?

Nor did I. Goodbye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnySpanglish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2023
🚨︎ report
Dads...Get revenge on your children, by rushing into their room at 4am and asking them...

If you can open your Fathers Day presents.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2022
🚨︎ report
A man rushed in a sperm bank and asked

"Umm so what do I do here" The receptionist said, "Welcome".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cl1ky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2022
🚨︎ report
A horse got hit on the interstate last night and first responders rushed the poor guy to the animal hospital…

He’s currently in stable condition.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rayzon1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Don't rush me!

I'm procrastinating as fast as I can!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
🚨︎ report
eminem rushes to change his hyphen to an em dash

β€”β€”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pilipilip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
🚨︎ report
A newscaster had to be rushed to the hospital after her TV-Screen crushed her.

She's doing fine now, but she's still feeling a bit under the weather.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the terrible budget cuts at NPR?

They will now only be able to consider some things.

πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sr00ttek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2023
🚨︎ report
Singer Adele was rushed to the hospital after a fatal car accident

Paramedics said they found her rolling in the jeep.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2022
🚨︎ report
What kind of people always rush

Russ-ian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Clown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Old adage: Doctor who rushes will go broke.

Apparently doctors make money because of their patience.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2022
🚨︎ report
My mom was Russian, my Dad was Russian….

Me. I just take my time

πŸ‘︎ 865
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UneditedHorseChit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Don't rush a doctor.

He needs patients.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window.

Now I can only play for Def Leopard.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2022
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I hate it when people tell me " you are not russian so why are you rushing"

I allways answer with "you are not Russian eaither so why you Stalin"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qnandossc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I was rushed to hospital after being stabbed in the neck with a root vegetable...

Surgeons had to act fast to fix my carrot-ed artery.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2022
🚨︎ report
An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and shouts...

"NOBODY MOVE."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
🚨︎ report
A man was rushed to the hospital after a freak explosion at the Miniature Western World Exhibit, where several plastic horses were lodged into his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyMurphy01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I need help with a joke I've been working on for YEARS. It's about Joseph Stallin, the oxymoron

He's the only man in history who was Stallin and Russian at the same time.

...it's an audible joke spoken in slang. The ingredients are there, but it takes too much explanation

I know I've already ruined it . Bring on the down votes but please help me make it flow better. I've been beating it around since the old 'experience project' days

To be clear, the premise of the joke is that Stallin sounds like "stalling" and Russian sounds like "rushing."

..is it an oxymoron or a paradox?

Oohe.. bonus.. an oxymoron is a dummy who doesn't know how to apply pimple cream and a paradox is footwear worn by skinheads (pair of docs) . ..kinda harsh, huh.. maybe 2 doctors?

Ok, bring on the crickets and the down votes. I can take it...πŸ˜¬πŸ€•πŸ˜

Big EDIT: I absolutely mean no disrespect to any Russians, Georgians, Ukrainians, or any Eastern Europeans whatsoever. Or anybody anywhere. ..or any kinds of groups of any kind of people, or any members of the Stalin family, past, present or future.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milny_gunn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2022
🚨︎ report
What is your favorite cooking-related strategy board game?

Mine is Whisk.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/econway__77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2023
🚨︎ report
We rushed my pregnant wife to hospital last night. She could feel contractions and with everyone ahe was singing "unbreak my heeearrt"

Turns out it was just Toni Braxton Hicks

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carlitos_segway
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
🚨︎ report
My friend Evan just disappeared before my eyes

All that's left is his Evan essence

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2022
🚨︎ report
Visit Mount Rush, more
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FermentToBee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2021
🚨︎ report
When it was my first prom I was really nervous, and this called me to be really thirsty. As a song ends, I see my opportunity and all of a sudden I rush to the punch bowl.

There is no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Same-Sir-4036
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Catastrophy was averted yesterday for famous duo circus act Rocket Randy and his mule. The moment before Randy was to be shot out of a cannon, in a separate act, his mule climbed into the cannon backwards. Both were rushed to the hospital and

It took 4 hours for surgeons to remove Randy's head from his ass.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyMurphy01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2022
🚨︎ report
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice, rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen", he shouted, "I have finally settled that old Mckinney suit."

"Settled it", yelled the astonished father, "Why, you fool! We have been living off that money for five years."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2022
🚨︎ report
I hope all those firefighters from around the world that are rushing to help with Greek wildfires brought chemicals extinguishers and not just hoses

You never use water on a Greece fire.

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clay_Pigeon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2021
🚨︎ report
The puns just keep on getting better
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metheist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2022
🚨︎ report
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.

"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that Geddy Lee from Rush and Les Claypool from Primus are super good friends in real life!

Do you think they've ever gone bass fishing together?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnGrifRBGH
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said she wanted a puppy for her birthday, so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car.

She rushed out to the driveway and shouted "Hey! Where do you think you are you going?!"

I said, "I'm taking him back, honey."

"Taking him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
🚨︎ report
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.

The man picked up his dog by the tail and starting swinging him around over his head.

The bartender rushed over and asked, "Can I help you, sir?".

The blind man said, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
🚨︎ report
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

πŸ‘︎ 558
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the guy who was rushed to hospital with a bayonet stuck in his chest?

He didn't make it, unfortunately he was pronounced dead on a rifle!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TroutAdmirer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say to patient who wanted to rush his results?

Be Patient

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peacefulsalmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the cricketer rush to the toilet?

He got the runs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatAussieGeek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
What kind of people always rush

Russ-ian

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Clown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2022
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 263
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report

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