McDonaldβs has paused operations in Russia
Theyβve successfully established a No Fry Zone
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 13 2022
A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and...... tonic." The Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The Polar Bear replies, "I don't know, I've always had them."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 04 2022
When pausing Avengers (Infinity War) halfway through, my spouse asked when Iβd want to finish the movieβ¦
β¦ to which I responded, βAvengetually.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 14 2022
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Nov 26 2021
When the therapist said, βSo, tell me what brings you here today?β My wife growled, βItβs really difficult to live with him. Heβs so literal!β I shook my head, chuckled and explained...
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 22 2022
a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey.... and cola."
"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."
π︎ 155
π
︎ Sep 19 2022
A lumberjack was cutting down a tree when he heard a groan. He stopped, listened, and thought he heard a voice. βWhoβs there?β he asked. βItβs me,β said the tree. βIβm a talking tree.β The lumberjack paused for a moment, contemplating, then swung again with impunity and saidβ¦
βIf youβre a talking tree, then you should die a log.β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 24 2022
What's the polite way to greet a funeral director?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 26 2022
My wife is preparing dinner. My 10yr old son walks in and yells out βWTF!β
Pause and follows up βWhereβs The Food!β
Almost did not survive his first dad joke!
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jul 20 2022
I got a job judging a verbal pause competition.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 12 2022
why the big pause? π€
π︎ 740
π
︎ Jul 29 2021
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of it's paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
π︎ 180
π
︎ Sep 19 2022
When does a joke become a βdad jokeβ ?
π︎ 88
π
︎ Jul 30 2022
Perhaps my my proudest dad moment came to me today, when my aunt asked my son if he'd grown an extra foot since she saw him last.
To which I responded "Nope, still just the same two he started with!" to which 8 people collectively paused then groaned. I think I've peaked.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 17 2022
Courage the Cowardly Dog scared the crap out of me...
...because he came out of Nowhere!
(I guess only fans of Courage the Cowardly Dog would understand this one). XD
π︎ 172
π
︎ Jun 21 2022
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 06 2019
Saw my wife yelling at our printer, she turned around and yelled at me, why isn't it working?!
She wasn't impressed when i replied, "I don't have an inkling"
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 16 2022
Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.
Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!
π︎ 120
π
︎ May 06 2021
what do call a dog that can do magic tricks?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Aug 15 2022
Held a Resume Print night today.
Lots of documents in the queue after "Pause Print Night" yesterday.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 27 2022
Guy calls 911
Says, I need an ambulance, my wife fell down and can't get up. Operator says, ok, sir. I'm afraid our GPS is down so I'm going to need you to give me your street address. He says, we live at 355 Kosciuszko Street. Operator says, could you please spell that for me sir? Guy pauses and says, you know what, I'm just gonna drag her over to Elm Street..
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 04 2022
Today, after flicking an unlatched tick off of my stepson, I set it on fire (because why not). Anyways, I figured this might belong here...
Older Stepson, to younger stepson: "He set a tick on fire today!"
Me, leaning in to fiance's ear: "Dad, are we setting a tick on fire?" -pause- "Yes, we arson."
My fiance who usually scoffs at my dad jokes/humor: "...that was pretty good."
This just happened a few moments ago and I came in to share this with you all.
π︎ 308
π
︎ Jun 27 2022
An βinteractiveβ dad joke (long-ish, but groans are guaranteed)
The setup: I tell a victim (I mostly did that to women) that I just learned about an interesting personality test. Then I tell her to list all her senses (hearing, sight, etc) and that from the order in which she lists them I can infer some of her character traits. Once sheβs done, I go - the list you gave tells me something very important about you, namely that you have difficulty understanding jokesβ¦ (pause, perplexed expression on a victimβs face) b/c you didnβt list a sense of humorβ¦
Iβve got a lot of groans and some good laughs out of them ladies :)
The only difficulty is keeping a straight face throughout)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 17 2022
Anytime you tell a dad joke
The punchline should be a parent.
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 31 2022
What is every dad's favourite website?
Geddit?!
Probs not mine but I just said it out loud to my mate and thought some might appreciate. Other might not(dad pause)... understand the joke.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 08 2022
9 months really isn't that long.
It just feels like a maternity.
π︎ 232
π
︎ May 26 2022
Two golfers were on the 18th green.
The first guy has a short putt to finish his round. He steps up and is about to hit it when he pauses, sets his club down, and waits several minutes for a funeral procession to go by.
When the cars pass, he picks up his club and the other guy says, βWow, that was very respectful of you, why did you do that?β
The first guy explains, βI was married to her for 30 years, itβs the least I could do.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 22 2022
abortion jokes are never funny. Not that they're bad...
...they just never deliver.
π︎ 38
π
︎ May 06 2022
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 431
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
Maybe he was....(takes long pause) perfoming a drill
π︎ 76
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Whatβs the difference between a comma and a coma?
The duration of the pause
π︎ 278
π
︎ Apr 12 2022
I am sorry I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 13 2022
This made me pause
π︎ 146
π
︎ Mar 26 2019
A family of four is on a road trip, when the mom sees a rest stop ahead.
Mom: We should stop, I need to use the rest room.
Kids in back, unison: Me, too!
The dad: Yeah, same here...(pause)...I guess that makes us sym-potty-co.
Dad chuckles.
Kids "huh"?
Mom & internet - Eye rolls and groans.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 11 2022
What's a pirates favourite letter?
(pause for everyone saying aRrrrrrr)
No, it be the C
π︎ 432
π
︎ Jan 30 2022
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
π︎ 39
π
︎ Apr 05 2022
McDonald's has paused operations in Russia.
They've successfully established a No Fry Zone.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 09 2022
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of its clause.
π︎ 143
π
︎ Sep 07 2022
What's the difference between a sentence and a Polar bear?
One has a pause at the end of its clause, and the other has claws at the end of its paws.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 20 2022
A bear walks into a bar and says, βGive me a whiskeyβ¦ and a cola.β
βWhy the big pause?β asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. βIβm not sure. I was born with them.β
π︎ 22
π
︎ Sep 06 2022
A bear walks to a bar and he says βcan I please have a vodkaβ¦ and cokeβ the bar tender says βwhy the big pauseβ
The bear says βI donβt fucking no I was born with themβ
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, βIβll haveβ¦β¦.a beer pleaseβ
The bartender asks, βwhatβs with the big pause?β. The bear replies, βI donβt know. I was just born with them!β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jun 17 2022
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the answer becomes apparent
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 24 2022
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - βwhatβll you have?β Bear says βIβll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.β Bartender says βalright. Say whatβs with the big pause?β
Bear says βoh these? I was born with em.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
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