I was cooking bacon and egg tacos for my 8 year old brother Kevin
Kevin: "Hey I'm thirsty"
Me: "Hey Thursday, I'm Friday" I chuckle to myself, and he comes back with
Kevin: "Sounds like a personal problem, wanna taco about it?
I was in so much shock all I could retaliate with was "what the Hellmann's"
They didn't like it when I retaliated with...
"Daughturds"
Me: "where is the nearest Argos?" Man.: "i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship"
Me: "what? Tall ship?" Man.: "yeah! Well it is a pirates favourite shop!!"
head hits desk
Man.: smirking to himself "why do you need one anyway?" Me: slowly raises head smiling "they're doing a really great sail!"
She finished with some task and told me "I'm all done" and quickly added "but that's not my name"
Friend: im never going to say I am hang ray again instead I'll say I'm in a state of hunger.
Me: I didn't know hunger was a state!
My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.
Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot .
Mom: which one?
Dad: Me
Wife: here's $20. Spend it however you want.
Me: I'll use it to buy sex... Are you free tonight?
Wife: why yes I am! Hehehe
Me: well if you're free tonight [tucks bill in wallet] I can hang on to this for another day! #... When women become mothers, they gain the ability of super hearing, and being able to detect danger.
When men become fathers, we develop to pass amazingly corny jokes and punchlines out of our mouth before our brain even realizes it's happening.
What’s a penguins favourite film? Frozen.
What did the penguin say to the snowman who didn’t find the first joke funny? Oh laugh!
What did the snowman kick the penguin with in retaliation? Dis knee
Why did the snowman then watch Frozen with the penguin? Nothing Elsa on TV
There’s snow more now, ice said them all.
So I was eating dinner with my brother and his S/O in the dining room as my dad was in the kitchen doing dad things, and as I was telling a joke my dad walked in and told me that my joke wasn't funny. I retaliated with "alright, let's here a joke then."
This is when he looked at my brother and I and said "the only jokes I have is the two sitting at the dinner table"
Fuckin' dad
My two girls were wrestling on the bed and one of them kicked the other. The one who had just been kicked retaliated with a kick of her own and proudly told me "I kicked her back."
"No you didn't...you kicked her front!"
