Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QLMMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation

He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Most bathroom renovators have this problem when they get older

Erect Tile Dysfunction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Big Ben is undergoing renovations which will take 3 years...

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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My girlfriend’s dad was helping out renovating our bathroom.

While cutting out sheet rock for the tile, he hands me a circular cutout with the words β€œto it” written on it.

He began to tell me that I’ll never be able to say I’ll do something β€œwhen I get around to it”, because now I have one of my own.

After about a minute I never sighed harder in my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewChrist87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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My renovator ask me if he can remove the mirrors in my living-room.

I asked him to wait, I need to reflect...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yanualed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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What do you call an evil home renovator?

Bob Villian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2theo2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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My Catholic mother in law is renovating her kitchen.

It’s a counter reformation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My father used to work as a hospital renovator

He found it very re-ward-ing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoprocksAndDope
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
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Phones in a renovated Mobile Home

Lets say you buy a mobile home and you renovate it to have more things in it and be a bit more up to date. You even add a phone system in case you lose your phone. Does that make it a Mobile Phone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoulSilver1712
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house

I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding

also on r/jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
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My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.

Let that sink in.

Happy Father's Day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on desert island.

Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says β€œrub the lamp!” They do, and a genie appears. β€œI only have three wishes to offer,” he says, β€œso I’ll give you one wish each.

The Englishman says, β€œI’d like to be living in a penthouse in London with Β£1,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The Scotsman says β€œI’d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with Β£2,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The genie then turns to the Irishman: β€œAnd what do you wish for?” The Irishman says to the genie, β€œIt’s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTAD2108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Recently renovated the kitchen at work and found this on the walk-in fridge imgur.com/FnW0FMM
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuzzybutt738
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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My dad on renovating.

My mom has been trying to push my dad into renovating the kitchen.

Mom: We're thinking May.

Dad: Yes, we MAY do it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ko0k13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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Old house renovations.

My dad and I were working on a 150+ year old house recently.

We go to fill the outer walls of one room with insulation, and while cutting out holes in the tops of them we smell something funny. Rats had made a single section of one wall the dedicated toilet. Without missing a beat my dad says "That's some shitty insulation."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackCloudie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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During renovation works in my friend's appartment, they wrapped the elevator. People went into a dadjoke competition on the cardboard walls. (Link to imgur album in text)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/so_contemporary
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
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My parents are renovating their kitchen right now.

My parents are in their kitchen, talking about their different lighting options. Right now, they have several (8, in fact) recessed lights. Some are on a dimmer, some are not.

Mom's talking about how with the way the lights are currently set up, she likes when only 4 are turned on, based on the way they're set up.

"At any rate, the way it looks right now, won't be the same if we get the pendant lights put in. It'll be much better, they won't all be so close together" Mom says.

"Yeah", says Dad, "they'll all be...

Indie-pendant"

God love him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sincerelyfreakish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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Home renovation

Out at poker with the guys- friend who just purchased his first house shows up. We ask if he's moved in yet, but he's still renovating.

"There's just a bunch of studs in the kitchen right now"

"Oh, well why didn't you invite them too?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scatterpulse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2014
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An elephant walked into a bar

And the bar entered renovation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaStalinSP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Got my Dad today

We are renovating our bathroom. Almost finished all we have left is to hang the door. He measures the door frame and asks me "How big is the door?" i looked him dead in the eyes and replied "Big enough to fit the hole"

There was a brief pause then we both broke out into laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vrock1422
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
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So I heard you live in an old funeral home...

My mom and her boyfriend recently bought an old funeral home and are renovating it to turn it into a house. While out to dinner with some extended family, my mom's boyfriend's 2nd cousin says, "so I heard you live in a funeral home.. that's interesting" to which his aunt replies, "yeah, we've all been DYING to come visit."

Classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pennyrae
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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Me: Man it smells a lot like vinegar in here

Dad: Yeah, it's all the silicone pipes in the bathroom (renovating bathroom, working on it) Me: Ah, makes sense

Dad: Just Imagine how bad Silicone Valley smells

He just laid that one on me not too long ago

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckyTape1099
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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This apple didn't fall far from the tree

Bit of context: Mum and dad are visiting my house which I'm renovating. Today's job is to put on new doors. We are sitting watching TV and finish watching a few episodes.

I say, "ah well these doors aren't suicidal".

Mum gives a quizzical look.

Dad says, "yep they won't hang themselves."

Same wavelength.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moves_like_Norris
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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Got the wife today at the mall

She was telling me about her renovations of her office at work; Wife: The bathrooms are really nice now. Me: Really? How? Wife: They're only one at a time and they have fans. Me: What do the fans do? Cheer for you as you go? A little salt n peppa?

Ahhh push it. Push it real good!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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Dadjoked nearly all of my coworkers

Before a staff meeting, a coworker was talking about living in a renovated church with 15 other people. He said it's just like any other big house, they hang out, party, etc., then someone asked if they drink on the altar.

I said, "yeah, it's a great place to drink. You only need to bring water."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krncnr
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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Vacuuming friend

During some home renovation my friend was using a vacuum and after he shut it off, he turned to me and said with a concerned voice "this thing sucks" and slowly cracked a smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dfunkhizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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Heard this in the hospital waiting room today.

I was in the waiting room of a small hospital this morning, with about 4-5 other people. The waiting room is in a temporary location while the main waiting room is being renovated, and the ladies behind the desk couldn't see if someone came in and took a number. I had number 10, and after waiting about 5-10 minutes and not being called, I went to the desk and she helped me. She then asked me what number I had taken, and I told her 10. She yells out "Are there any numbers below 10?!" And just at that moment, one of the male nurses came around the corner, into her office and said "Yeah, there's 9, 8, a whole bunch of them actually!" All of us in the waiting room let out a collective groan and secretly hoped we would have him as our triage nurse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majingrim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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