Sometimes John Wick likes to kill quietly.

He piano reaves.

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👤︎ u/neopera
📅︎ Jan 08 2021
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My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

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📅︎ Sep 09 2020
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My 9yr old came up with: How do you greet someone who is laughing quietly?

With ‘a low ha’ (aloha)!

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👤︎ u/feartoad
📅︎ Aug 22 2020
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I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...

I feel sublime.

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📅︎ Aug 18 2020
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I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.

After all, all psychos have a silent p.

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📅︎ Aug 05 2020
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What is the name of the great actor, who also quietly plays an instrument?

Piano Reeves

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📅︎ Mar 06 2020
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When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. ...

... Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.

👍︎ 55
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📅︎ Mar 09 2020
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My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.

"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."

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📅︎ Apr 13 2020
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LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly slip them under the refrigerator.

Soon it will be water under the fridge.

👍︎ 6k
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📅︎ Mar 16 2018
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Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

👍︎ 773
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📅︎ Mar 24 2019
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A horse walks into a bar and stands next to the counter quietly.

The bartender eventually asks if the horse wants a drink.

The horse says "Neigh"

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👤︎ u/MYZS
📅︎ Jul 24 2019
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People often tell me I speak too quietly...

I SAID, PEOPLE OFTEN TELL ME I SPEAK TOO QUIETLY...

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📅︎ Aug 13 2019
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When I realized how terrible the play was, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

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📅︎ Jun 17 2019
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Yesterday I got hit over the head with a powertool. I was sitting quietly minding my own business and then suddenly...

...Bosch!

👍︎ 15
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📅︎ Feb 16 2019
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Out of curiosity, I very quietly slipped an old Tic Tac into my mouth.

It was a silent expired mint.

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👤︎ u/slowshot
📅︎ Apr 01 2019
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How do you quietly approach a one-of-a-kind animal?

Unique up on it!

👍︎ 6
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👤︎ u/Bjlind718
📅︎ Nov 18 2018
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I tried playing music quietly

but it's really not my forte

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👤︎ u/jorvay
📅︎ Dec 16 2017
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Why was Thor mad at the guy quietly chilling at the other side of the bar?

He was too low key.

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📅︎ Feb 20 2018
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My dad around the house very quietly...

And I have terrible hearing. Anytime he spooks me in the house.

Me "JESUS!

Dad " nope just me, dad."

Me glare "Never not funny pops."

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📅︎ Sep 03 2015
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I'm quietly proud of my little Dad moment..

While my wife was in the kitchen fixing a snack, (after putting our little boy down for a nap) she says:

"Did you seriously eat all the peanut butter and then put the jar back in the pantry?"

Me: Damn Skippy

As her groans became stronger, I exited stage left

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📅︎ Mar 09 2014
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My friend quietly quit his job as a eye glass manufacturer.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

👍︎ 35
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📅︎ Jan 05 2019
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My friend decided to quietly retire from his job as a eye glass manufacturer.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

👍︎ 5
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📅︎ Mar 05 2019
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