Yesterday, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.
I am only cleared for leiutenant labor.
So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.
Qualiflower
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:
"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!
achoo splat bleah"
Substitute $name for Mia.
Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.
I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.
Itβs called wattsapp
Unemployment.
I have lots of experience in waste management.
I am not apparent.
I told them that it was ok, we brought our own.
A FIZZician
My dad says Pika just before he sneezes every... single... time...
A few days ago, my friend went to one of those outdoor gear shops, looking for a few things to prepare her for a canoe trip she was going to take. While there, her mom wandered away into the next aisle over. My friend sees her mom leave, looks at her dad and asks, "What is mom doing in the tent aisle?" Her dad responds, "Shopping for a dress."
Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:
Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.
Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.
Me and this girl I'm seeing were walking around the mall and we decided to go to Hot Topic to kill time. Walking around we saw some car fresheners with band logos on them and my gf picks one up and says "hmm I wonder what Nirvana smells like?"
Without hesitation I answer "Teen Spirit"
It was the most perfect joke set up ever and I don't think I'll ever top it. It was my magnum opus. I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eMLcNMeU-Q
I'm leaving the house and my dad says he'll close the door for me.
He asks: it's supposed to get cold tonight are you going to bring a jacket?
Me: no I'm okay.
Him: doesn't the bus stop get cold?
Me: I don't know, ask the bus stop.
We burst out into the happiest family laughter.
'Interactive lecture' in a Systems Engineering class (not that that's relevant) when the Assistant Professor starts directing questions to the students to move forward in the lecture material.
Settles on me and asks me a pretty straightforward question that I started overthinking and got all deer-in-the-headlight-y.
Fancies himself some sort of comedian so he quips "C'mon, I'm throwing you a softball (question)."
To this I come up with an immediate response: "I don't play softball."
We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"
"Sure. What game?"
"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."
Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that sheβll probably say "Birthday".
She was like, "Okay⦠B... B... BB..."
I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...
"Yes. Those are all words."
You little shit.
Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."
2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.
She hugged me
I really think Disney Villains are misunderstood. You have to respect how they pursue their passions. They usually have henchmen or βemployeesβ so Iβm guessing thereβs a compensation system in place and they are managing a budget to fund all their evil campaigns. And what business model did they have to follow? Was there an Ursula before Ursula? I donβt think so. These villains are business visionaries and they deserve such respect.
I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.
I screwed it up !
Suddenly qualified to tell dad jokes
Heβs farmer qualified.
I said, βSon, stop Socrates-ing your sister!β
They actually seemed to like this one so Iβm not sure if it still qualifies as a dad joke.
Congress.
Without a US BC connection.
https://i.imgur.com/lhwU9ee.jpg
Not quite a dad joke, but I think it still qualifies. Feel free to remove it if not.
does it qualify as a high-bread vehicle?
The scene where Max is grabbed by the Pole Cat,
http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mad-max-fury-road-image-the-war-rig.jpg
and ends up getting dumped onto the car with the drums and guitar guy
http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-620/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/3/31/1427821675682/5e25da37-61d7-44fd-a9a3-b2f5b8b5a791-620x372.jpeg
I leaned over to my GF and said "It looks like he's jumped onto... the bandwagon" She totally lost it :)
Almost 10 years ago now when my daughterβs mom was pregnant with herβwaddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβshe looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, βOmigod Iβm as big as a house!β
And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:
βWell, baby girl, if youβre a house then youβre my dream home...β
I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldnβt stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)
Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.
One, as long as it's a qualified electrical engineer.
