Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lives in a pen.

Credit to my 8 year old daughter, who probably read this in β€œHighlights” kids magazine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlamoreau31
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Announcement In Bar

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Dad, Son, and Magazine

Dad, here in this magazine it is written that masturbation significantly weakens sight. Is it true? He replies: Read for me. I can’t find my glasses anywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keelssuper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Why was the writer comfortable in the army?

He was familiar with the magazines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconReign
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Waiting at the doctor with my dad.

We're currently sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. My father went to grab one of the magazines on the table. He took one that's called "Bunte", which is German for "colourful". He opened the first page and said: "Nah, that's too colourful for me." Which is a German quote used when somebody had enough of something.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riko-cchi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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I responded to an ad for a calf model...

It was an awkward day at the dairy farmer’s magazine.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FFTorched
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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subscribe to Dad Magazine!

#1 magazine for β€œpop” culture.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bedsidecargo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Did you hear about the lady recently diagnosed with color blindness?

They asked her if she was surprised to which she replied "I had no idea, it came out of the yellow"

(My Dad read this in his AARP magazine today)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/107Teamster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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Shopping malls are essentially all alike ...

 
  ... "When you've seen one, you've seen a mall."

 
        ^((Source: Kiplinger Magazine, 1974)^)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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How much does a pirate charge to pierce ears?

Not claiming this one because my son read it to me so it may have come from Boy's Life magazine.

A buck an ear!

He was so proud of himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rickh925
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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Need help!

Does anyone have any good magazine/reporter puns? I'm the editor of a student magazine and we'd like a pun to put on our shirts. We can always go with the old standby "we have issues" but I'm sure someone somewhere has something funnier.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethestars
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
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Does this count as a joke?

My dad and I were sitting, watching TV the other night when I scrolled past something about the Titanic movie on my phone. I asked him what he would’ve taken from the Titanic if he were on it and had the chance to escape. Without looking up from his magazine, he just flipped a page and replied with β€œthe iceberg.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theashtonjay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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I guess I have hipsters to thank for this one

My dad was just flicking through a gadget magazine and was scoffing at the music section:

Dad: "It's weird how turntables have made a comeback, I remember a few years ago you couldn't even give them away"

Me: "Yeah, I guess the tables have turned"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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Step-dad just had a great one

My mom was telling me about this magazine title she read at the grocery store for how to calm crazy dogs(my dog has ADD & was currently freaking out about the fireworks since we live close to the fair in town). My step-dad suddenly pointed out "well it's too bad the dog can't read"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHandsomeBoss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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Made my coworkers groan today.

She was complaining that a Russian magazine was submitting reviews on films that aren't even out yet. To which I responded "well they must be Russian things over there"

Two laughed others groaned and told me to get out.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayesar91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Need some debating puns please

Have to write some shit for the school magazine about debating. Just anything even vaguely related to it, the worse the better. Cheers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Varelse21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Deer Call

We were taking a tour of a national park, where you drive around in your car and look at all the fauna from a distance. (Think safari, but in the US instead of the Savanna)

My grandfather, who is very stoic and usually pretty quiet, asked us if we wanted to hear his deer call. We of course said yes, so he takes his time rolling up a magazine to use as a megaphone.

He rolls his window down, puts the makeshift megaphone to his mouth...takes a deep breath...and shouts "HERE DEER, HERE DEER!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heyitsmecolku
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom got me with this one when I cut my finger...

We were sitting on the couch. She was watching TV and I sliced my finger on a magazine page when I turned it.

"Fukken A'," I cursed.

My mom, without looking. "Fuck a B, it's got two holes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wannabgourmande
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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My girlfriend was not amused.

Me: Tears magazine in half.

Her: "How did you do that?"

Me: "'Shear' force."

I stared at her until she gave me a look of disgust and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justrex11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
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My mom, the klepto

This is a prank my dad used to pull, and I look forward to doing it one day.

When at a party, my dad would always take a few insignificant things. A knife, a spoon, a cloth napkin maybe a magazine. A week or so later he would mail it back to them with a note that read...

"I'm so sorry. My wife is a kleptomaniac and I found these in her purse. She is working hard on it, please keep this between us."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNotoriousHAM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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[x-post] random comment in /r/food includes amazing dadjoke

Imho, the father of /u/SweatingToilet joins the dadjoke Hall of Fame with this gem.

https://www.reddit.com/r/food/comments/3t402c/roommate_gave_me_a_cutout_from_a_magazine_and/cx31fbt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InSearchOfGoodPun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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My dad thought he was hilarious.

We were at a grocery store when I was around 16. He bought some groceries and let me pick out a couple of gaming magazines. We got to the register and here is the quick exchange.

Cashier, "Good afternoon! How are you today?"

Dad, "Very good and yourself?"

Cashier, "Good thank you. Are you guys together?"

Dad, "That's disgusting. He's my son!"

The cashier literally looked in horror at my dad. Although it definitely was groan worthy, the reaction made us both laugh. I'll definitely be using this when I have kids.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Platinum_Mattress
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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My dad's on fire tonight.

I was having dinner with he and my mom, and the subject of my new job came up. I told them that I had to go take the drug test tomorrow, and he, with no hesitation, said, "Well you better go home and study, then!"

Later we were talking about a nice looking Saab sedan we saw, and he said, "I once read a cover story about those. The magazine called it a Saab Story."

I love my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATCaver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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Dad-joked my own dad

We were sitting at the table when he started looking at my mom's More magazine:

Him: "What to wear at 30, 40, 50, and 60, huh?"

Me: "Well, clothes wouldn't be a bad idea"

We then heartily chuckled for a few moments.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sniperjebos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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New road in Iceland to be halted citing concern for elf habitats.

I was reading through current articles of world news today and came across this relatively lighthearted article. My Father's response made it even better.

Iceland will halt construction of a new road as they have received concerns about the safety of elf habitats.

My father determined that the department responsible for this decision was the "Department of Elf and Safety".

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-27907358

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calum231
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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We were interviewed by Modern Dog Magazine today--- and he just couldn't resist...

I work with a dog rescue-- and today we had a phone interview with Modern Dog Magazine.

Our President's father couldn't resist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canehdianchick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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The Pope

So some background information. I used to play college basketball with a girl who's last name was "Pope", and we always called her Pope. For privacy purposes let's name her "Ashley Pope".

Anyways, today I am texting my dad, a serial dad-joker:

rugbybackliner: I'm pissed, TIME Magazine failed to recognize me as Person of the Year yet again! They copped out and gave it to the Pope.

Dad: I'm sorry, but tell Ashley congratulations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rugbybackliner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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People with guns love to read.

Magazines are their favorite.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinSquidGaming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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How do you browse the trump fashion line?

You read the MAGAzine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebee03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I told my son that I was looking through a car magazine. "I'm thinking about buying you one..." I told him.

He said, "Oh my god! But...I need to pass my test first."

I said, "No, you don't, it's only a magazine."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Boyfriend told a dad joke

Back Story: Had an Ohio Today magazine sitting on the ground which is our college Ohio University's Alumni Magazine

Me: Oh I didn't know you got Ohio Today Boyfriend: Well, I already read it so it is Ohio Yesterday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nativebe11e
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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