My private pun collection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.

The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightmareRival
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower

All I see is two lips.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/densenuggets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.

He kept things pretty low key.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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TIL of Private First Class, Francis Liptonβ€” an American soldier in the Revolutionary war. Who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of war.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaw-Deez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientPhoenix98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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My British friend has started getting his son private tutoring

I can't imagine how much money he must be shilling out.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creeper321448
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Sorry, my confile is in private
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikintp
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Due to COVID, the King of Spain is in quarantine primarily aboard his private jet.

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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I’m thinking about sending my mailing labels to private school.

Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plausibl3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Why did the teacher never fart in public?

He was a private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private

He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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My brother has a pilot's licence but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane.

Now he flies commercial.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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My father was a tough man who said little & kept his feelings private, but our last moments together were the warmest I've felt--him wiping away my tears, saying he was sorry to goβ€”

giving me a thumbs up as I lowered him into a pit of molten steel.

No sorry that was the end of T2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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What do you call a doctor that does yearly checkups?

A private investigator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomecraigs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Can any body help me?

Can anyone help? There’s a bloke in this subreddit who calls himself Buster and he’s driving me mad with constant private messages. Day after day he sends me youtube videos of 70’s glam rockers The Sweet. Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shady7977
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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What would you call Donald Duck if he became a private investigator?

A duck-tective!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NikitaSultoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Kill Bill
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shu-chi-senpai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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My son has a teacher who never farts in front of the class

She’s a private tooter

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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A guy was stopped by security

Sir this is a private subdivision.

I'm just passing through.

What's that in the bag?

Oh, these are bonsia plants.

What's a bonsai plant?

They're small trees. See?

Sorry, I can't let you through.

Why?

NO TREES PASSING.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurens_b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Phone rings.......Dad: What does the Caller ID say?......Son: It says Private Caller......

Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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The privates park
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/th3chad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Why does Mario like to write privately, in a bathroom?

Because-a, it's-a diary-a.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I got my own private jet

The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 686
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XiKiilzziX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I do have my own private jet

But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadofTamzin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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Wife: "Let's keep her name private until she's born."

"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vogon_lyricist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WilsonHanks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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Sketchy af
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuxedoGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Private I
πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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What do you call a girl who thinks with her private parts?

A clitical thinker.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeerkeGerard
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Booty and the Beast
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ochipapo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Seniors in private schools

Are part of the upper class

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Saving Private Ryan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouikipedia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a private investigator call a short investigation?

A briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
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With only a fraction of my wealth I could buy a private jet

That fraction would have to be 8000001/2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kepiman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I used to know a teacher who could never hold a fart in.

He was a terrible private tooter.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I quit my job as a private driver today

After 25 years I had nothing to show-for it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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I have my own private jet

But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deeman_27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
🚨︎ report

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