The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
How mathematicians break up...

Initially inspired by a joke I heard elsewhere on the Internet but I took it a step farther. Hint: there are several hidden puns (at least 6)

Dear Algebra, Stop asking me to find your X. As to the reason she left, we'll never know Y. She probably never fancied your green bra. Maybe it's a sin that she wants a distant relationship. But have no fear, as she spans higher dimensions for true love, she'll look far and wide, for she lives on the edge. She'll soon realize that she's not so significant after all.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jgbradley1
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Cory Booker must have a hidden family somewhere...

... If he's out there using dadjokes like this: https://i.imgur.com/R6WrI5t.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VirtualMachine0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
The police were not convinced that my neighbor had hidden plastic explosives in his basement, so I told them...

"C4 yourself".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theboredpastor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Is there any hidden meaning to the line "Rosebud" from the movie Citizen Kane?

Or was it just the last thing he sled?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjo_kes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How do soldiers stay hidden in the desert?

Camelflage

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blisspoint2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hidden Legend of Zelda character?

A Missing Link

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeKrispyKreme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember the hidden entrances behind bookcases in movies?

It's still the oldest trick in the book!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhispererKappa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my son snooping around where we've hidden his christmas presents

And he found out he got coat

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy pulled off a 5-month long con with a hidden fake mustache just to make a dad-joke pun...and it’s amazing
πŸ‘︎ 533
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreekAlphabetSoup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?

Apparently, it was their biggest bust

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the invisible man have in the middle of his face?

Nobody nose

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatentGeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I suspect my wife has a hidden agenda.

We haven't seen her day planner in a few days.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.

She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
This guy pulled off a 5-month long con with a hidden fake mustache just to make a dad joke...and it’s truly amazing

https://i.imgur.com/O6ePcMG.jpg

I can’t imagine what that guy is doing now...what left is there to do in life after reaching the pinnacle of dad jokes.

An inspiration to us all.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreekAlphabetSoup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A true hidden gem
πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kyeb29
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don’t people notice Eminem’s hidden messages?

He has them under-raps

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyMorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Sex is like pizza

When it's good it's good and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkone2087
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œI can’t seem to find my datebook. Do you know where it is?”

I said, β€œSounds like... you have a hidden agenda.”

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Cheesy pizza puns needed for pizza shop with hidden cocktail bar out the back imgur.com/aROdppY
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naturalyogurt
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
The LOTR fandom still has hidden gems
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintFuckNugget
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My hidden talents are hidden so well that even I can't find them.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ashutosh024
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a moose that wants to stay hidden?

An Anonymoose.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/5SadWhiteGuys
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Just got a credit card bill with a camouflaged bull printed on it...!?

..It's the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a cow wear to stay hidden?

Camooflauge.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josheewa
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the treasure hunt organizer say when people couldn't find the impressionist painter he'd hidden?

That wasn't very cache Monet of you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Weirfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know there's a hidden James Bond movie where he is made out of bread?

It was titled "For Your Ryes Only"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crimsonae
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm having trouble organising a hide-and-seek league.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Has there ever been a classical music group that only performed where they are hidden from view of the audience?

They would be playing Hayden go-seek.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/irl_lulz
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me, β€œI can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”

Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 868
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dromodary hidden in the desert?

Camel-flage

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine makes prayer mats with hidden explosives

I asked how his business is doing, he said: "Great! Prophets are through the roof!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/metnem
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Our local bookstore has some incre-tea-bly punny tea tins.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saurontheokay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the hidden meaning behind Lion King?

Simba-lism.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MinerLeagueGamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Hidden Laundry

I've got a bad habit of piling up shirts next to the bed. Well tonight I finally picked them up and took them to the laundry room and put them in an empty basket. I then went on about my merry way.

A few minutes later my wife yell, "Where did all these shirts come from?!?!"

I yelled back, "I don't know, probably Bangladesh!"

I could hear her eyes rolling as well as something about being a smart ass.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FattieMcFatPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I've always kept our savings hidden in one of our board games, but decided to go out and buy a lockbox.

Better safe than Sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taodyn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.

For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out

thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scooopofpeas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œI think I lost my datebook. Do you know where it is?”

I said, β€œI think..you may have a hidden agenda.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.

It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ocbrad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œI’ve been looking for my datebook for hours. Have you seen it?”

Me: It looks like..... you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.