My private pun collection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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My British friend has started getting his son private tutoring

I can't imagine how much money he must be shilling out.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creeper321448
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Due to COVID, the King of Spain is in quarantine primarily aboard his private jet.

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I’m thinking about sending my mailing labels to private school.

Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plausibl3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Sorry, my confile is in private
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikintp
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private

He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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My brother has a pilot's licence but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane.

Now he flies commercial.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What would you call Donald Duck if he became a private investigator?

A duck-tective!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NikitaSultoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Kill Bill
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shu-chi-senpai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Why does Mario like to write privately, in a bathroom?

Because-a, it's-a diary-a.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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I used to know a teacher who could never hold a fart in.

He was a terrible private tooter.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Booty and the Beast
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ochipapo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Phone rings.......Dad: What does the Caller ID say?......Son: It says Private Caller......

Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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The privates park
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πŸ‘€︎ u/th3chad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Why was the Boston Tea Party illegal?

It was destruction of Private Proper Tea!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zigbigidorlu
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I do have my own private jet

But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadofTamzin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: "Let's keep her name private until she's born."

"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vogon_lyricist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a girl who thinks with her private parts?

A clitical thinker.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeerkeGerard
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Sketchy af
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuxedoGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I got my own private jet

The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 681
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XiKiilzziX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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Seniors in private schools

Are part of the upper class

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Private I
πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WilsonHanks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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With only a fraction of my wealth I could buy a private jet

That fraction would have to be 8000001/2

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kepiman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teacher that farts in the closet?

Private Tutor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stripedpixel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Saving Private Ryan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouikipedia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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What does a private investigator call a short investigation?

A briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
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I tried to change my password into β€˜beefstew’

But it wasn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I quit my job as a private driver today

After 25 years I had nothing to show-for it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
The doctors have moved me from a private room, to a stall with hay and water.

They are trying to stable-ize me.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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One upon a time there was a green man, he always wore green clothes drove a green car and lived in a green house...

One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.

When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.

He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.

In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.

The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.

No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.

He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standing there in front of his green house was an elderly lady, she asked the directions to local train station. The green man forgot about the green towel situation and with the green hand that was on the green towel pointed in the direction of the trains.

In doing so he dropped his green towel to his green ankles, revealing his green privates. The elderly lady shrieked turned and ran across the road, where she was struck by a passing car.

And kids what's the moral of the story? . . . . . Don't cross the road while the green man's flashing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmalaki
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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What do you call privateering dishes?

Pyrex of the Caribbean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolwizard250
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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I just realised

Military barbers shave their privates

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SovietLorax
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If a private investigator is called a private eye, what do you call a pirate investigator?

A privateer.
(It's one to hold on to for September 19th!)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobodyWhatsoever
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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As an American army private during WWII, how did my great-uncle fight in the Battle of the Bulge...

Ardently

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the private detective obsessed with tracking litterers?

gum shoe

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EaterOfSound
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried to hire a crocodile private eye wearing a sleeveless jacket.

But I couldn't find one so I got an in-vest-a-gator instead.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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My doctor shut down his private practice...

I guess he just didn't have the patients for it.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnysway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
🚨︎ report
My private part is as hard as iron today...

... does this make me FE-male?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinglyLion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
A sergeant of the Australian army yells at a private....

"PRIVATE, DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE?" The private responds: "NO SIR! I came here yesterday!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/question87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2014
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What do you call a person who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FannySchrute
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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My piano teacher never farted in public.

He was a private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, β€œI will give you three wishes.”

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, β€œI will give you three wishes.”

She thought for a moment and said, β€œFor my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” β€œAn admirable request. Consider it granted!” Rick said.

β€œFor my second wish, I would like world peace.” β€œAh, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?”

She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. β€œAs a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.” The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, β€œThis I cannot do . . .” β€œWhy!?” The women exclaimed. β€œ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!” The Genie looked away and said, β€œI can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . I’m never gunna give you Up!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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What does Oliver Queen call his private jet?

The Arrowplane

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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I tried to tell a chemistry joke...

I couldn't get a reaction.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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How many ears did Sir Francis Drake have?

Loads. A left ear, a right ear and a ship full of privateers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sandysingssongs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a really hairy guy who is new to the army

A wookie

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Llamaz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why could you not see most of Long John Silver's ears?

Because as well as his left and right, he also had a boat full of privateers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sandysingssongs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was heading to a private place to dance

When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.

Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!

Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.

I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawaianhamster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
🚨︎ report
The instructor of an IT course I took at a private college told this one.

"What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho cheese!"

This elicited a few chuckles.

"Kay...So..."

I realised I was the only one who laughed at this.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicBandAid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Do you know why you never see a Pirate weep openly?

They shed privateers.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart?

A private Tudor!

My 7 year old son told that joke this morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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My seven year old will make a great dad one day.

He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:

Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"

So proud right now.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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An exchange I remember seeing in a cartoon or movie a long time ago

I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:

Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorRobotnik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snack that is in the army?

The Popcorn Colonel

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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"DELETER OF THE FREE WORLD" - New York Post front page on the Hillary email scandal imgur.com/0BNIPzn
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wazzzzah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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What happened when the Lt. General had diarrhoea?

He became a loo-tenant...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vishal_rjagan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked a soldier what his rank was.

Him: "It's private."
Me: "No, it's okay, you can tell me."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeping_pegasus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
🚨︎ report
My best friend...

My best friend doesn't have much luck in his private life. His 1st wife left him and the 2nd one isn't going to.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin19081
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crookedletter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.

I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Messiah's Handles
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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National guard dad joke

My unit had a drill weekend and we were in the woods with only open toilets (no walls or stalls, just three toilet seats next to either.) After the second day one of the officers asked, "Is there a private shiter around here?" I responded with, "I haven't seen him but I'll look for him."

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desertsmowman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
🚨︎ report
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack

The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."

Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The man who invented autocorrect has passed away

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red498cp_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I think I might start a company...

It will be part carpentry, part private investigation.

I'll call it, I Saw That

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catatonicpotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the teacher refuse to pass gas in public?

She was a private tooter!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scouter024
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What's an invisable, cool guy In traditional Dutch shoes?

inclogneato

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blahboy10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend: "Tried sending my dad a cool picture, this is his response."
πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
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I had a thought of a new Canadian superhero...

Candida alberticans He really grows on you.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
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I have my own private jet

But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deeman_27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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Why couldn't the teacher fart in public?

She was a private tooter

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desmoire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?

A private tooter.

πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CREEPONATER
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 648
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stupid_Rawr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!!! Ha!

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChristMade
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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What do you call a man who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dredgemate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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My teacher never farts in public.

Since, she is a private tutor, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bignate1213
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Did you hear about the teacher that was afraid to fart in public?

She had to become a private tooter

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cincinnatistuff
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MindBlown17-4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesconer
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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What do you call someone who never farts in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyGramps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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