I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"

He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."

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📅︎ Dec 12 2020
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Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

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📅︎ Jan 23 2021
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Overheard a "dad joke" at a restaurant... wife gets up, presumably to go the washroom, and says.. "I will be right back." Husband replies, "thanks for the warning".
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👤︎ u/heavym
📅︎ Apr 27 2014
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So, Gandhi, right?

On average, this guy walked 11+ miles per day for 40 years. WITHOUT SHOES.

Dude fasted frequently, too, so he didn't get a lot of the nutrients that most people get on a daily basis and presumably had bad breath.

That being said, Gandhi was...

A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED WITH HALITOSIS.

👍︎ 11
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📅︎ Aug 02 2020
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"Two men have been arrested under suspicion of drug smuggling," I told my fellow cop.

"Names?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "I presume they have names."

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Sep 06 2020
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Today a man was pushed into a pool by 2 children who disagreed with him.

He's now in stable condition, but is presumed Dad.

👍︎ 133
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📅︎ Jun 18 2017
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He didn't bi it

Male friend of mine, [Elton], is bi, told me about a crush he had on a guy he'd met through wilderness backpacking (relevant), and how he doesn't think he has a chance. Having no other information and an IT guy's policy of checking the obvious things first, I asked the dumb questions, via text.

>Me: So you're sure he's into guys
>Elton: Y E S
>Me: Okay, okay, just getting that straight
>Elton: A N G E R Y
>Me: But yeah, given everything else you've told me, I think you've got a chance
Me: Presuming he also knows the lay of the land
Elton: N O
Elton: S T A H P

I don't know why he keeps coming to me for relationship advice.

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👤︎ u/teuast
📅︎ Jun 09 2018
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My dad just got me with this one...

He was sealing some small package for something I presume he's sold on eBay and he held it up with the address facing me.

Dad: You know who this is?

Me: (Reads the name Ben Ling, looking confused) No.

Dad: You know his brother.

Me: What?

Dad: His brother Ray, the Chinese fence.

Nice one, dad...

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👤︎ u/LGDD
📅︎ Jan 16 2014
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Wife asked for a little Sprite.

My wife was face timing her parents with the toddler and asked me for a "little sprite to drink".

Not wanting to pass up the opportunity, I filled a demitasse cup and proceeded to hand it to her. Walking away with my subtle triumph I hear my mother in law say "I don't think that's what she asked for," and my father in law telling her it probably was a little sprite.

The rest of my wife's conversation had more mouthed "vacuums" (I presume) then normal.

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👤︎ u/Patrae
📅︎ Aug 30 2015
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Kid in class realizes caught in a dad joke for years.

I am currently in a intercultural communication class in college. Because its the beginning of the semester we always have to do some goofy activity and because the class is about culture everyone would tell something interesting about theirs. So this little Asian kid in class starts talking about customs growing up. He says how when he was little he remembers his father farting, and his dad asking why he is not clapping "in this culture you clap after your father farts." The whole time hes telling this I am thinking...no way...this dad is a savage. I kind of got a feeling he was starting to pick up on it, he started talking slow and thinking about it. Long story short: he clapped after his dad farted presumably for years, practicing their culture. What do you think?

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📅︎ Feb 04 2015
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My dad showing the dark side of his humour

Reading my dad a news story about a local driver who got impaled after hooning a Maclaren down a hill and wrapping it around a tree:

Me: Apparently he was airlifted to hospital with a piece of wood still sticking out if his chest.

Dad: Is he alright?

Me: It doesn't say, but I presume he's critical.

Dad: Well at least he had stake for dinner.

I'mGoingToHell.jpg

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👤︎ u/AaronM1D1
📅︎ Jun 23 2014
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Dropping dad jokes at the dadeli

Earlier today I accompanied my dad to the grocery store. Eventually, my dad made his way to the deli in the store and ordered two pounds of bologna. When he was rung up, his total was almost 3 dollars. I don't eat bologna, but I presumed that was high when my dad suddenly exclaimed, "That's a bunch of baloney!" and chuckled to himself. My conformist dad bought it anyways.

👍︎ 5
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📅︎ Sep 27 2014
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