I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because they’re not dead yet.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar...
....and the barman says, "Oh God, not U2 again!!"
My friend the photographer always trims the outer edges of his pictures to be curved so that every edge is equidistant from the center...
He liked making crop circles.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?
Because he lived in a pen!
So very proud!
I told my wife, “From here on, I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.”
She said, “Where will you find the time?”
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
I got let go from the dairy farm.
Apparently I don't work well with udders.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
I just thought of this today as I was driving... I’m sorry in advance 😂 I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
Me: Did you hear the actress from legally blonde stabbed her husband with a knife?
Friend: Do you mean Reese Witherspoon?
Me: No, with her knife!
Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Why was the waiter fired from his job?
Because he was too impatient
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
What's the fastest way to move cattle from one field to another?
If the Earth is the third planet from the Sun...
...does that mean that every country is a third-world country?
Did you hear about the criminal who only steals wheels from police cars?
The cops are working tirelessly to catch him
My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.
It really put a strain on our marriage.
The new Windows update deleted Microsoft Edge
We could say it's a cutting edge techology.
My wife texted me from the grocery store to ask about our pasta supply.
I replied "we're penneless."
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
The worst thing about being fired from the unemployment office
Is that you have go back the next day.
A physicist sees a guy standing on the edge of a rooftop
He immediately shouts: Don't do it! You have so much potential!
I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.
They absolutely killed it.
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: who’s skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: what’s in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver
I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.
I resigned from the ironing board.
Too many pressing issues and no way to de crease the number of suits against us.
Why did the Roman Soldiers have to crucify Jesus 6ft away from the 2 thieves?
...to prevent cross-contamination.
Happy Easter.
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
I received the same newspaper from New York that I got yesterday!
A local themed Grandad joke from the northeast of England: If you walk to Walker and bike to Byker, what do you do at Wallsend?
Policeman taking a witness statement from the waiter after a shooting at a vegan bar..
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter?
Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley.
P: Parsley?
W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
Why do clocks from the capital of Italy always make people fall in love?
Because they make romantics.
Why can't Melinda go inside the house she got from her divorce?
Error 404: Gate not found
I got a load of stuff from the supermarket today,
The cashier asked if I wanna box for it. I had to tell him wrestling was more my sport.
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says 'Oh god, not U2 again...'
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says...
Oh no, not you two again.
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