My wife locked me out for telling too many corny, obnoxious word play jokes...

Now I’m outside banging and hollering β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’ β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said β€œThat’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't really understand the game of starting out calling plays for T-ball games then advancing to calling plays in the World Series...

The whole idea of Forge of Umpires confuses me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend told me to play with boomerangs, i told her to throw that idea out of the window

oh shit it's coming back

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A hot actress tried out for my play. She spoke the archaic version of "your" beautifully...

She had nice "thy"s.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My actual dad reading the newspaper out loud "learn to play piano by ear!"

Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattc_guitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the minced meat go out and play with his friends?

He was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a little weirded out when my wife gave me Play-Doh for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the plane go out to play?

Because it was grounded

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romanator25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
When I play cards I like to be the one handing cards out.

It's the I deal situation.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Letitia Wright who plays Shuri in Plack Panther found out that Thomas Sanders called her a Disney Princess.

She was marveled.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alert_Coffee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
When they give out baseball gloves at the stadium, they play some pretty great tunes because...

...there's good rocking at Mitt Night.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmrtnt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
The guy from Wolverine Should play Paul Bunnion if a movie abiut him ever comes out.

You know, Huge Ax-man.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldForCash
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play...

But he never made it as a wise man.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ericmc80
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter made me a waffle out of Play Doh

I put a bit in my mouth and she though it was super gross. I said "I love the taste of clay" and she retorts back "dad, it's not clay, it's Play Doh". I turned to my wife, who was already shaking her head and said "that's mere child's clay".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sethdare
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I Figured out the secret chord that David played!

It's Gsus

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...

Thanks for every ting.

πŸ‘︎ 239
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
the fisherman was playing his out of tune guitar

luckily he caught a Tuna

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My head lice are playing music out loud

Must be in my hair band

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when playing football as well as when asking a girl out?

A hard pass.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kable1202
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I found out why Jaromir Jagr will never call when he's playing poker

Cause he only Czech

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard someone played Animal Crossing: New Horizons for so long on end they conked out with the console still in their hands.

Looks like someone fell asleep at the Switch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastLeatherwing
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In the Seine-et-Marne region of France you can bail yourself out of prison using cheese

It's called playing the 'Get out of jail Brie card'

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiorzol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I was out playing Pokemon with my fiance when I approached a group of teens with their phones out. "Hey, I'm looking for my friend Amal..."

"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."

My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BriansBalloons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Composer Puns

I was playing my Sonata so fast today, I almost BAROQUE one of my fingers. What? Too much to HANDEL for you? I would have thought that was imPACHELBEL. I should really be making a LISZT of these, or maybe I should just TELEMANN. Is this making you STRAUSSed out? No point in HAYDN from it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MTBCardBear4211
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Australian chess players would have difficulty playing chess because it'd be very confusing to figure out if it's a check mate or a checkmate.

Posted this on Showerthoughts thought It'd be more appropriate here.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sangeemangee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I played poker at a casino that was out of toilet paper

I had shitty hands the rest of the night.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lukewarm_tequila
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowfax1138
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A girl with no breasts went to music class. The music teacher calls her out for playing the wrong notes.

He told her she was too flat.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MelonSharkGaming
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, β€œSon, look, check out my new AirPods!”

The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. β€œDad, there’s nothing there.”

β€œYeah I know, they’re literal!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I was out in the club and they played "The Twist," so I did the twist. They played "the Macarena," so I did the Macarena.

Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got kicked out.

πŸ‘︎ 856
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thedaveabides98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.

I’d never heard or seen such a high note.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blueparasites
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..

She says "Why? How much does it owe you"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AxiosBellator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead.

People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealisticFake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Instead of cards, they made me pass out nickels when we played poker.

But I don't deal well with change.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Never get a tuxedo made out of playing cards.

It'll never suit you.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSFG832
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
So I saw a girl playing soccer today and I wanted to ask her out.

But she was way out of my league...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TomCustomRc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard this i while back don’t remember where its from, sorry if it seems butchered(longish)

One day a loving husband and father of 2 sons comes home, one of the sons asks him to come upstairs, so he comes upstairs and his son saysβ€œdad, im gay” the father, surprised says β€œwell, okay, i still support you son”.
The next day the father comes home to his other son asking him to come upstairs, he goes and the son also comes out as gay, the loving father says β€œboth you and your brother, i wont have any kids, but, i still support you”........ ........ ........ ........ ........ ........ The father then walks down stairs to go and play with the family dog(male) and finds him in the backyard humping the neighbors(also male) dog. The father walks back into the house and exclaims β€œDoes anyone in this house like women”.
His wife taps him on the sholder

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeek7Br-Ba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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