What do you call an antidepressant that's both cheesy and petrifying?

Gorgonzoloft

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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What a petrifying thought imgur.com/p6n4Qmv
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.

And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Do you know why they're called petrified trees?

Because they're scared they'll get cut down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/valleychamp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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What do you call wood that's scared?

Petrified

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...

First I was afraid, I was petrified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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What do you call the petrified remains of a lion named Cow?

Moofossil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cooldude9210
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
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Petrified Wood
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppzcseh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
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Petrified Wood

I showed my dad some petrified wood, his response was "that's funny, it doesn't look that scared to me"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serzachary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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Late last night I walked into a really dodgy looking Disco named Medusa's

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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My wife got me again

I showed her the post of the front page of the petrified opal tree trunks and without skipping a beat she said, β€œ gosh, I wonder what they are so scared of?” Took me a minute to realize. She got me good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexUniversi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Hi guys, this is my first post.

http://i.imgur.com/A5XahdJ.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNotCool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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So, a while ago, I was talking to a ancient piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Your-Mom-Gabe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Did you hear about the flower seller who got held up at gun point...

... he was a petrified florist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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At my job as a paleontologist, I was searching for the thigh bone of a Neanderthal.

I thought I had found it, but it was a fossil arm. Then upon searching the site further, I found a petrified sausage. It was the missing link.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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I met Medusa at Gloria Gaynor's concert. At first I was afraid,

I was petrified

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsusaWH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Were the dinosaurs scared when they saw the meteor coming?

They were petrified!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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One day my dad handed me a river stone...

... it was a pretty stone, well rounded and a smooth surface.

Dad: "This is a very special stone, you should give it to your girlfriend."

Me: "Um... OK, sure."

Dad: "Do you know what kind of stone this is?"

Me: "A river stone? No, not really..."

Dad: "They call it a 'Sex Stone'."

Me: Raises eyebrow "Oh?"

Dad: "Do you know why they call it that?"

Me: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's just another fucking rock."

ΰ² _ΰ² 

Well, I still have it on my bookshelf, and she's now my wife, so sure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StJimmysAddiction
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?

I was petrified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpectrumPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Burning Wood

So my friend was burning off yard trash (controlled burn...put away your pitchforks reddit) from the lot he recently had cleared during the day. I show up at his place in the evening and we go outside to see how much debris was left. He pokes some of it with a stick and hears a hard glass sound and says, "What the heck is that?!" I lean down to look at it and reply, "I think it's petrified wood....but I have no idea what scared it." He rolled his eyes, and his 16 year old daughter laughed her ass off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacknight75
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom

At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I woke up this morning and standing over me was the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid. I was petrified...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid;

I was petrified

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARoguePumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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