A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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I once saw a cloud of mist form before my eyes, then take the form of a giant tent peg...

It was a big mist-stake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...

He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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My son and I were hooking pegs onto a clothes line.

I said, if you drive you are a driver, if you hop then you are a hopper, so if you cook you are a cooker.

my son to his mother: Dad and I are hookers!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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I went to the camping supply store and was going to buy a tent but the pegs were on the top shelf...

The stakes were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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TIL that sea-faring pirates were quite progressive in their labor practices, reserving a portion of their loot into an early sort of worker's comp, paying for peg-legs and hooks.

They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, β€œHey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, β€œArrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magical_Merlin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Pirates can be scary when they’re desperate, but it’s the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.

They’re on their last leg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r4zrbl4de
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Went to the hardware store and bought some peg board.

The bearded salesman said "There's no discount for the holes." I mentioned that I used to operate the machine that drilled holes in acoustic tiles. He said "I bet that was a boring job". He was in full dad mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Time_for_a_cuppa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
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A priest, a bishop, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says β€œI think I’m a typo”.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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I was engaged to a girl once with a wooden leg

But I had to break it off

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I once dated a girl with a wooden leg.

But then I broke it off.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Every time I hang out my laundry, the song "Nine to Five" starts playing...

Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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How do pirates like their women?

sCURVY

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savageprofit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with β€œThat’s not as impressive as the first two”.

β€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.”

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelaneyElias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I packed my tent but there was a mistake
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrexthrilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I dated a woman with a wooden leg.

It wasn't working out, so I broke it off. Sorry Peg.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Pegging for a strap-on
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jugeroo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Had a race to see who could hang out our towels on the washing line quickest.

It was level pegging.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReaperWright88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jengofitzpatrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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A man with a wooden eye is sitting at a bar

While there, he is wanting to find a lady to dance with. He sees a lonely lady across the bar with a peg leg, and decides to talk to her.

He says, β€œWould you dance with me?”

Excited, she says β€œWould I?? Would I??”

He gets mad and says β€œPeg leg! Peg leg!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/konajones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazylegs_Ohooley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingfrig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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What medical condition were pirates prone to?

Restless peg syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sennais1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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What is a pirates least favourite workout?

Peg day

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broccoli_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Man with a wooden eye

There was a man, who in high-school, had a wooden eye. He was quite self conscious about it, so when it came time for the school dance, he didn't have the nerve to ask a girl to dance. He would go up to a girl and she would turn away instantly. He was very discouraged, until he saw across the room a girl, alone with a peg leg. He thought "perfect! she might want to dance with me!" and walked over. When he asked her to dance, she looked up grinning and said "Would i? Would I?!" offended, he looked back and said. "Peg leg! peg leg!"

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CedarDragon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
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A young cowboy in the old west

Got into an accident and lost his eye. The doc got him a wooden eye to fill the hole. Before the accident he was quite the ladies man, dancing with all the young ladies at the barn dances. But afterwards he never went out, just stayed at home. He knew no woman would ever want him. Finally all his buddies came by and grabbed him and took him to a barn dance. He was just looking at all the pretty young ladies, afraid to ask any to dance. He noticed the one he’d never seen before, she was beautiful. But as he looked at her, he saw that she had a peg-leg. Well, she’d dance with him. So he walked over to her and asked β€œwould you like to dance” she replied with excitement β€œ would I, would I? And he replied β€œpeg-leg peg-leg”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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How do you stop a legless pirate?

Knock him down a peg or two

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saladbbar
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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A string is walking home one Friday evening after a long week at work

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.

It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"

To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannaBrained
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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After years of begging, my wife and I tried anal for the first time!

It was a little weird at first, but once she got used to the strap-on, it was everything I ever pegged it to be.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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What do you call it when a pirate can't sit still?

Restless peg syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
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Cleaning the tent

A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, "I guess that was a big missed stake." He just rolled his eyes as I laughed!

Edit: how do you not know him?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MTMFDiver
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
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How I knew I was a dad...

My son was playing his upright bass and there was a rattle coming from it. I suggested he tighten up the peg on the bottom, which fixed the rattle. He told me they should get rid of those pins, because a kid gets stabbed five or six times a year.

I said they should just stop that kid.

The resulting look confirmed it... I'm a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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Elevation

Here's the conversation:

Her - I failed one of my assignments.

Me - Shit, what was it?

Her - Just a project proposal, but I FAILED SOMETHING, I'VE NEVER FAILED ANYTHING?!?!

Me - Well, it should bring you down a peg. Humility, innit.

Her - No, I need constant elevation.

Me - Is that why you wear platform shoes?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/super_nat556
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
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My Grandad dropped this one at dinner...

An Official is inspecting a lunatic asylum to find one inmate to be released for the Asylum's anniversary, after several hours of visiting the numerous wards he enters one where he finds a man sitting on his bed carving a wooden block. He approaches the man and asks him what he was carving, the man on the bed replies that he carves wooden clothes pegs, and that each day he makes around 5. "Well that certainly is impressive" the inspector tells the man, "I think I shall recommend you to the warden for release." The inspector then notices a man hanging from the ceiling, "What is he doing up there?" he again questions the man on the bed. "Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb!" The man on the bed replies, "Well, shouldn't we get him down?" the Inspector asks, shocked, "Don't be daft!", remarks the Man on the bed, "I can't work in the dark!"

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperCraften
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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My friend dropped this one on a facebook conversation. I groan.

She: You still living in Winnipeg, right?

Friend: Yes, why?

She: Nothing. I just realized that Winnie is not really a Pooh, but a Peg.

(she meant pig there)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olibearbrand
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2015
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I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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