Got my wife during the game last night

Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:

Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?

Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago

Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?

Me: no it's Las Vegas

Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up

Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words

She didn't like it as much as I did :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stealthkoopa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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At dinner tonite, my daughter told me she learned what paraphrasing is.

I asked her if she could give us a brief summary about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RevRagnarok
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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(Paraphrasing from r/dankmemes)

Ac repair: we can’t fix your AC

Man: It would be a lot cooler if you did

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyMorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I suffered a cerebellar thrombosis a few years back, but I made a full recovery...

You might say it was a lucky stroke...

I actually did have a stroke, btw. Back in '17. Caused by an aneurysm bursting in my brain stem. Was less than fun. But to paraphrase Mel Brooks, if you can laugh at it, you've won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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I'm of my pan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spookyAGENT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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What time do i go to the dentist?

At 2:30.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:

"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."

Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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From my recent DnD game, in the local tavern

Bard: I take out my lute and start playing

Druid: I take out my flute and join in

Dm: rolls. Everybody loves it. (Paraphrased. Took much longer)

Me: Hey. Where did you keep the flute? Would you say maybe in the brim of your shoe? Like how some keep a knife in their boot? Please, just go with it

So the lute and the flute from the boot was a hoot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmndrhurricane
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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So i matched with an accountant on a dating site...

And I asked her how she liked her job.

Her (paraphrased) reply: "I love it, what's great about working with numbers is that there's always a right answer."

Me: "I love it when everything adds up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proteus4585
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
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After 4 years of being a father I can finally call myself a dad

Partytang jr (pointing at the Michelin man) "papa who is that?" Me: "that's the Michelin man, he makes tires for cars, trucks, and planes." PTjr: "why?" Me: "so we don't have to walk everywhere." PTjr: "why?" Me: "because then we would be sooo tirrred!" PTjr: "hahaha papa you are as funny as Louie CK" (the last part was paraphrased)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Partytang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Friend told me a great one-liner.

The thing about pencils is that if it doesn't have a sharp tip, it's pointless.

(I paraphrased).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/outofheart
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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I had a workplace win with an excellent pun, and I'm still smiling about it.

[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]

Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.

I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:

"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."

Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.

Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.

Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.

D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloakedCorgi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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Bill Bryson's dad vs the San Andreas Fault

I went and saw author Bill Bryson speak last night and he told us how his dad used to make the most wonderful puns. I'll paraphrase best I can:

They had traveled from Iowa to California on vacation, and they were driving along the coast. They stopped at an informational plaque at the San Andreas Fault, and his dad walked straight up to the huge crack in the ground and threw a quarter in. When the kids asked why he did that, he simply responded "I've always wanted to be generous to a fault."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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Trivial pursuit with dad...

Playing Trivial Pursuit with my dad, best friend and a couple others when my dad asks my friend the question (paraphrasing here, was a long time ago), "What human organ is flexible, washable, and replaces itself continually?" The answer was skin but my friend got it wrong. Dad doesn't miss a beat and says, "It was probably the "washable" that threw you off."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/relativex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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Toilet humour from dad

I stopped by my parents house for dinner the other night. I brought up the topic of the dreadful condition of the bathroom at work.

Me (paraphrasing): I can barely stand the smell in there, I don't think the toilet has been cleaned for weeks.

Dad: Yea that toilet has seen some shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chels_meems
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Did you know that Arkansas is the only US state mentioned in the bible?

I might be paraphrasing but the passage is "Noah looked out the ark and saw land"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Dad-joked my coworkers

A group of us were out getting lunch. (my paraphrasing)

Boss: "Hey guys check out these pictures I took on my vacation."

passes around camera to rest of table to view pictures

Coworker: "Wow! How did you get such a perfectly timed photo of lightning?"

shows rest of table a beautiful picture of lightning

Me: "He must have lightning reflexes!"

collective groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Q-Cumber
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2014
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My speech professor gives dad jokes left and right

>What is a paraphrase? ^two ^phrases^hahaha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yunotxgirl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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Amy Poehler DadJoked Nick Kroll on the Kroll show

I'm paraphrasing here.

Nick: "Amy, thanks for being so chill with these sketches we've been doing."

Amy: "Oh yea, you didn't know this about me, but I was voted 3rd runner up for most-chill in high school".

Nick: "Oh? Why didn't you win?"

Amy: "Eh. The other guys didn't want it more".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkmeatchicken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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