I was painting my room with my brother....

....when I realised. He's not a very good brush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I just finished painting a customer’s home and they were surprised with the bill...

Them: β€œYou’ve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?” Me: β€œIt’s on the house”

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.

He was an artificial art official.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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What do you call a person who made a painting with soup?

Stewart

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πŸ‘€︎ u/presuire45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl, with milk and some kind of food inside.

It was surreal.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameTheTrait
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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So the Norwegian Navy is painting their ships with a bar code pattern

So when then come into port, they can Scandanavian

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouyin2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I was almost arrested for spray painting a grocery store with my best comic sans.

Fortunately, we talked it over and agreed that I would paint over it, and the day ended sans sheriff.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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Why did the pirate bury a painting of their past relationship, with their treasure?

Ex marks the spot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Was painting with the Mrs. last night and...

...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.

So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."

Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Richard_Punch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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Paul McCartney grew irritated that he couldn't purchase a call girl with impressionist paintings

He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?

Just look at that escargo.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:

Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.

I asked about it once and he said β€œI like to bill them later.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yumi_arizona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I am going to open a paint studio with the Grim Reaper.

I am going to call it Brush With Death

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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What do you call a cow with horns painted red?

Moocifer

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?

Confused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/propervernacular
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What does Tina Turner use to paint with?

Second Hand Emulsion

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenestealerUK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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What’s the best cheese to paint with?

Double Gloucester

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manctrev1974
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I went out today with half of my face painted like a clown.

Not everyone saw the funny side.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Oil on canvas. Hehe (best part? It was painted with acrylic!)
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_demonfluffy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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When I was in high school, our prank was to release pigs with 1,3 and 5 painted on them.

After looking for 2 and 4 like crazy they thought...... That's odd

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrock7784
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint.

Both crews ended up marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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high effort... made this one in class with paint
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tomb0mb4dil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I painted Paris with my eyes closed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sketchanderase
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
5 snails were racing, all with the numbers painted on themselves.

The one in the 5th lane had a poorly drawn 5 on it and took off, faster than all the others. The crowd yelled out, look at that S-car go!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bramzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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My dog stepped in blue paint with two of his paws

Hairy pupper and the half-blued prints.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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My son is a artist, and he was having a hard time coming up with something to paint

I told him to take it easel.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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when asked why he exclusively painted with coffee, he said he just needed to espresso himself
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad tried to prank me by loading the furnace with regular rocks that were painted black.

Totally uncoal, dude.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djental
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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At first, I thought I had come up with a new color of paint. But...

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fenix1371
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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On the turnpike during rush hour, a truck carrying blue paint collided with a truck carrying red paint.

It was terrible! Everybody was marooned!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluefoot55
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
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This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Name for an etsy store

My friends name is Paige. She asked me to help with names for her etsy store to sell paintings, crochet stuff, alcohol ink things, and pottery. Paige despises puns. Please help me with some good pun names for her shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slackgir
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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One of my friends accidentally painted his wife with cheese twice yesterday.

That's right, he double gloucester.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is planning on paint colors with my mom...

I can hear them talking since they're just in the other room.

> Mom: How about Toasted Oatmeal? Do you like Toasted Oatmeal?

> Dad: Not on my walls. That would be messy.

The groan was tangible from my mom.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasslineRaver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Just some jokes about colours

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

  • a carrot

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

  • dung

What’s green and smells like red paint?

  • green paint

Whats red and bad for your teeth

  • a brick

I was diagnosed with colour blindness today,

  • I tell you, that came right out of the purple.

Colours making a phone call... Green green, green green....Yellow!

What colour is the wind

  • blew

What’s grey and can’t fly

  • a car park
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djgw88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a hardware store to get paint with my dad...

When we got to the counter to mix the paint he said to the lady I want it shaken, not stirred.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WiFilip
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife showed me a picture of a room with a tree painted on the wall...

We had been looking for ideas for a kids room.

She said "I can get behind this" (referring to the painting of the tree).

I said "you can? But, it's two dimensional..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barelyonhere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said β€œMy yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

β€œAll finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

β€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

β€œI sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired the Rolling Stone dercorators to style my room. They did a terrible job.

They just painted it black. I couldn't get no satisfaction with it.

My vision was light blue walls but I guess I always can't get what I want.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying brown paint

It is believed both crews are marooned

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoshabooboo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
🚨︎ report

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