I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Road trip - why did the Dad tell the kids to take out their pencil and pad?

The sign said Draw bridge.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peacetoall1969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A Pad-Tie.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onemohrtime
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?

He never liked Bruised Knee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketsOLouis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Well mine seems to be missing. It must have just downright up and left.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was in the capital of South Korea, I bought new shoes pads...

I felt like a new man, walking about with my new inSeouls.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My son got into his mom's supply of pads and stuck them to the wall.

I called it a period piece.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods a game.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoppedup82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Skip Ad for Ski Pad
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a man protesting the sale of tall ladders by climbing one over 15’ and acting like he slipped and fell, landing in a bush that was secretly a soft-landing pad.

It was a anti-climb antic.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Swiffer pads.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My father's favorite joke.

My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...

A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...

Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...

He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"

Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.

He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.

The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"

Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.

I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/graffd02
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad just did this to me

I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."

I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.

"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.

.....

.....Bless my dad's soul.

πŸ‘︎ 351
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radiant_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astoran15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A chicken walks into a library...

...and walks up to the librarian’s desk.

β€œBuk” says the chicken.

The Liberian gives him a book. The chicken returns after a few minutes later.

β€œBuk” says the chicken again.

The librarian gives him another book. This goes on about eight more times. Finally, the librarian follows the chicken outside and sees the chicken standing next to a pond. The chicken is throwing the books at a frog on a lily pad.

The chicken says, β€œbuk, buk”

The frog says, β€œReddit, Reddit”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/re_think_this
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard.

It’s his mouse pad.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A chicken went into a library

She went up to the counter and said "buk" The librarian handed her a book and she left. Five minutes later the chicken returned to the counter and said "buk buk", got 2 books and left. This went on about six or seven times before curiosity got the better of the librarian and she decided to follow the chicken outside to the park with a pond in the middle. The chicken threw the latest book to a frog sat on a Lilly pad in the middle of the pond and shouted "BUK!" The frog looked at it and said "Reddit"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/looce13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A Dutch pun
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LittleKidLover10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
If a mermaid with small boobs padded her bra, would they be called stuffed shells? reddit.com/r/NoStupidQues…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LboogiedB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do South American frogs live?

Chile Pad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikePVT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Gandhi

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aw8nf8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t Handel this.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Anakin say to his wife when he needed some paper?

Padme

(As in, pad of paper)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PonianYoutube
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My 7yo cousin told my dad this joke yesterday:

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindsbo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to work as a chef and I had so many utensils that I rented a unit to keep them all in.

It was my spatula pad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking to god

So this man is talking to God and he says:

β€œGod, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?”

Then God says: β€œYes. A million years is like a second to me.”

Then the man says: β€œSo if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?”

Then God said: β€œYes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says: β€œGod, can I please have a penny?”

Then God says: β€œYeah just give me a second.”

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lumber__Zach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the cat decide to become a DJ?

He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.

I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD

I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomkiller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Pink order takeout?

I'm comin' up so you better get this pad-thai started.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgsyzygy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpellingAirror
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Got a new palm tree tattoo guys 🌴
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sockmonst3r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessesc123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a baby frog and a moths rent?

One's a tadpole, and the other is a pad toll.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlloiJavex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my dad

My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed. I said "Well, why don't you sleep on it?".

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mariyahyfr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
🚨︎ report
You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Mine seems to be missing, it must've just downright up and left.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damndude11
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report

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