At least he won't turn over in his grave.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
my crush came over to play with legos
it was a good way to build a relationship
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
I keep reading The Lord of the Rings over and over again and I can't stop.
I guess it is just a force of Hobbit
Why Do Seagulls Fly Over The Sea?
Because If They Flew Over The Bay They Would Be Bagels...
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
My wife said that the steak was over-seasoned
But she says that a lot, so take it with a grain of salt.
Over 100 years ago 2 brothers announced that they could fly.
Turns out, they were Wright.
I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.
I should have bought asparagus.
A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presley’s Graceland has over turned. No one was injured
But they were all shook up.
I know over 100 languages
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
I swear, I put it down right over there!
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
I tripped over my wife's bra
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
What does the mother brush say to her overly excited kids ?
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.
What do you see when a duck bends over?
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"
I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. It’s an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, I’m not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
Can’t wait for Summer to be over
It’s going to be Autumn
Edit: horrible spelling error
A friend was grating parmesan cheese over pasta and said the cheese looked like a polygon.
I said, "Well, if you keep grating it, soon it will be all gone."
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
What do you call a cow stepping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
My Dad a actually told me this one.
Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff ?
What's green and flew over Germany?
Snot-zis
(One of my father's favorite's growing up)
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
Grandparents love telling their life stories over and over and over again
What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants coming over the hill"
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.
My crush came over to play legos
It was a good way to build our relationship
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
