Drinking coffee out of a lens mug helps me to focus...
After explaining to his parents that he was going to drop out of med school and instead focus on being a mime,
they said, "you don't say!"
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Only works when spoken instead of typed out
If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldn’t have a son anymore
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
My wife always make a big deal out of her periods .
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
What are Mario's pants made out of?
I ran out of toilet paper, so I used newspaper instead...
What do you call an alligator that shows up suddenly and out of nowhere?
I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI ‘s head.
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...
...because that's the center of a tent son.
What do you call a pair of scissors made out of vegetables?
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
You know, one good thing came out of quarantine
All my jokes became inside jokes
How do librarians get out of sticky situations?
They pull the library card.
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Yesterday I got kicked out of yoga class.
My instructor said you need to go.
I said namaste
What did the blonde do when she found out most accidents occur within 20 miles of the home?
Doctor- Your body is completely out of magnesium.
Patient- OMG!
Doctor- Exactly
What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out a tree it'll kill you?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Ain't she out of the world?? 😉
My vaccination appointment was cancelled because they ran out of the vaccine I need for 2nd dose.
When the cast of Friends goes out on a boat, why does Phoebe always get put in charge of propulsion?
Because Lisa Kudrow (could row).
I just made that up yesterday at work after greeting a colleague with the same first name. Its original to me but feels obvious enough that I'm sure I'm not the first to think of it, especially after 20 years.
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
I slapped my violin out of anger.
I got arrested for domestic violins
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
Harry Potter was kicked out of Hogwarts.
Which bird is always out of breath?
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
The Heinz company came out with a pair of eyeglasses.
They claim it will make your vision 57/57
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?
Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....
I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can even look at himself in the mirror.
Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? "
The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
*What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the utility cupboard?
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