A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
Once a year there is a reunion of ants. They use an empty pen to dance all night long on the inside. They made a movie about it.
It's called "In the pen dance day".
Working the night shift, i found 20 cents on the floor. I felt enlightened.
I had a pair o’ dimes shift.
On my way home from work on October 20th, I saw a house in what the night before was a vacant lot. The next night, it wasn't there. Then, on November 19th it was back. But it was gone the next day.
I suspect it will be there December 18th as well. I think it's a werehouse.
The cops raided a poetry reading last night. On the news, the police chief said they were there to
While some couples express romance by dressing up and heading out for an elegant night on the town, my wife and I express romance by covering ourselves with tasty little crackers…
We just LOVE Puttin’ on the Ritz!
I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel last night waiting for my lift. Two former chess champions were seated nearby, raving on about their past glories. I had to leave…
I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
After a night on the town with Batman, her friends asked, “where were you last night?”
The waiter dropped mayonnaise on me last night...
I said "what the Hellman!"
Last night, i went really deep into the titanic conspiracy theories on how it could've sunk..
but that was just the tip of the iceberg!
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
True story: at the poolside last night, a bee briefly landed on my 11yo daughter's foot. She looked down and said "Awww, we shall name him....
Toby"
(I could not be more proud of her, the other dads present were jealously impressed)
So Dad is getting older and senile and always doing crazy sh1t and we decided to sell the house and put him in a senior center. I came home last night and found an alligator in a cardigan on the kitchen floor. I said dammit Dad! WTH! This crazy stuff is why we are selling the house!
He says "I know, this is the home in-vest-i-gator."
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night,
I might need a space heater.
I slept on the wrong side of the bed last night…
Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.
My son grows a lot of fur and manufactures products of art or craft on nights when the moon is full...
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
Me and my wife were on the sofa last night, getting all hot and steamy..
She whispered in my ear "Shall we take this upstairs"?
I replied "Go on then, you grab this end and I'll get the other"
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
Arsenal F.C was on fire the other night
Some blame it on Cole, but I believe it was Arsene.
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
I have a cyst on my back and my wife helped me drain it. She won the pun war that night.
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
My fiancée called me last night and said she was on the sofa with Ben & Jerry.
Sounded like she enjoyed her ménage à froid.
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.
My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.
Last night, I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and the clock struck midnight.
I thought, “Same shit, different day.”
A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night.
The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.
The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"
The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"
The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!
The other day on a full moonlit night I met a lost wolf who kept asking everyone for directions
It must have been a Where Wolf
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
I tripped over my wife's bra left on the bedroom floor last night...
I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!
My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"
Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"
Did you know the average person sleeps with 3 covers on at night?
... Just a blanket statement
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...
I said, "whatever boats your float."
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Where do the cows go on a Saturday night?
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store...
Queso we needed some more.
.
I may have peaked with this one, guys.
Why did the father take the computer out for a night on the town?
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth.
Then I snapped out of it.
I didn’t know what to think walking into the kitchen last night to find my wife draped in lasagna and pouring piping hot soup over her head. “I’m just putting the dinner on”, she quipped. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
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