My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side.
It’s definitely something that needs addressing.
I told the restaurant manager that my salad was a bit on the dry side…
It was a situation I felt needed addressing.
I went to the hippie bookstore to see Noam Chomsky give a lecture on linguistics. I was excited, so i showed up a bit early. When i arrived, there was already a jar of fresh herbs in line ahead of me. I guess it’s true what they say.
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
I’ve been moonlighting as a taxi driver in London to get in a bit of extra money in. I’ve got a pick up late on the 24th at 221b Baker Street.
Looks like I’ll be driving Holmes for Christmas
He never bit on the burger invite...
On the one hand, I'm a bit deformed.
On the other hand, seven fingers!
I got bit by a Japanese mosquito on the leg, now I got a Japanese one and two
Doing my bit for the environment, minimising my carb-on footprint
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'
So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'
Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
someone said that the name scar was a bit on the road
but then i say "no its a big one on his eye"
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...
Men are now working around the clock.
My girlfriend and I were hiking yesterday, I was leading the way on the trail a bit ahead of her and she chimed out, "Is that a safe way?"
I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."
Did you hear about the woman who went on vacation and got bit by a shark?
Her trip cost her an arm and a leg.
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.
“OK,” I said, “buth I don’th know how thith will helpth”
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
I fell in love with the tick that bit me when I was on a trip to Rome
It was a Romantic gesture
My friend is a pretty unsuccessful farmer. But he tries a lot to promote his business on social media by providing a new profile picture every 3 months. Unfortunately the picture always seems to have his head or side chopped off a bit.
Another season, another bad crop.
Since we park on the driveway, drive on the parkway, and pay tolls on the freeway, doesn't it seem a bit risky to shop at Safeway?
I don't care what anyone says, on a digital clock, the lower horizontal bit on the 8 is better than the middle or top bit...
And that's the bottom line.
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
I was reading Peter Pan and was on a really good bit where he fights the villain
So, this is a little bit unoriginal but it's my first own dadjoke that I came up with on the spot, so I was proud to know I might hone my skills in the future to be a great/horrible dad.
Friend: Text me when you have time.
Me: When you have time.
Friend: ...
I dropped this one on the wife after getting back from a run about an hour ago. She groaned a bit, then laughed.
So I just got back from a run, and must have eaten something earlier, because as soon as I came inside, I ripped a really loud, nasty fart. I jokingly blamed it on her, and she laughed a bit until she smelled it. As she was busy plugging her nose I lay this on her.
Me: Well you know what they say, the one that smelt it is the one that dealt it.
Her: That's not funny, I know it was you, that saying doesn't make any sense right now.
Me: I think it makes a lot of scents. Wah-waaah..
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