I mean, he only had one Job.
The only way to send him something is as a WhatsApp Doc.
It would be less pathetic if she just let me in.
Swarm.
He's a seasoned Veteran now
I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps
A teenager had a crush on a girl all throughout highschool, and he finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed. Two weeks before the prom, he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the tuxedo store, there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway, and he got his tuxedo. A week before the prom, he went to go rent a limo. When he arrived at the limo place there was a huge line, but he decided to wait anyway to get his limo. On the day of prom, he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the floral store, there was a huge line. He decided to wait anyway, and he bought his date a corsage. During the night of prom everything was going well. They were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispered into his ear to ask if he would go get her some punch. The young man looked over to the punch table and there was no punchline.
Great woman, terrible surgeon.
Whereβs popcorn?
.
Because heβs Peter Parker, not Peter Parkour.
eggs-it.
In retrospect, I should have warned her about the new electric fence.
Me: Who are you talking about?
Dad: My butt cheeks!
An actual conversation I just had with my dad in which I did face palm and yelled "Son of a bitch!"
Iβm permanently impressed.
His butt
Itβs butt!
The husband replied, βThanks honeyβ¦ Without my glasses on, so do you.β
You have to ran because its past tents.
Shofar show good.
After four days of nothing to eat I was delirious from starvation. In my desperation I went hunting for the first thing that looked remotely appetizing. Soon I stumbled upon an indigenous macaque, and with a focused throw of my spear I skewered it in one hit.
Only half the battle was over, though. I had no idea what to do with this corpse. I've cooked easy things like beef, poultry, and pork but never a monkey. Fortunately, a wandering traveler came by, so I asked him how I should prepare it. He said, "That's easy. Just boil the monkey. Nice and fast." Then he left.
While it did sound easy, boiled meat usually doesn't taste good. However, another wandering traveler soon meandered by, so I asked him what to do. He said, "If you're patient and want good flavor, slowly spit roast the monkey over a fire." He then walked away.
That sounded much better, but I was too hungry to wait that long. As fate would have it, a third wandering traveler sauntered by, so I asked for his advice. He said, "If you're pressed for time but still want something delicious, then skin the monkey, render its fat, and deep fry the meat in its own fat." He went on his way.
I had three unique options to pick from, and while I hadn't immediately chosen one I definitely learned something new:
There's no wrong way to eat a rhesus.
He was picking his nose.
After awhile the rain really got in tents
She takes the psychopath
I asked my wife "who was that mast man!"
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I know he meant well, but it didn't really help.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says.
"President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup"
Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!"
Says Dave,
"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says,
"This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw"
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
You see it in the Polish.
He said theyβre blinds.
It was his final front ear.
You can only "ran" because it's past tents. (Sorry if this has been posted before. I just joined this sub)
Later a policeman asked the turtle, βCan you describe your assailants?β
The turtle replied, βI donβt know. It happened too fast.β
He's the Count of Monte Crisco.
The doctor said it was Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
Now Iβm going to get convicted of money laundering
They take the psycho path!
I have it narrowed down to a Tee
I should finally call it a day.
He was just going through a stage.
It turns out there is already a film called "Footloose".
Because it's a sin to take the Lord's name in vein.
(Shamelessly borrowed from my pastor)
Edit - CAN'T**
I'll never be able to repay you.
They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.
EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread π
Start swimming.
https://preview.redd.it/x30vdk22krt71.jpg?width=1634&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=faaa57416d848c2c39f56abe2e234bff5aa9bc44
