A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving through Quebec, and a cop suddenly pulled me over eating fries and gravy.

It was a poutine traffic stop.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There was once a old grape farmer, who had gone through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried out, all he could say was....

Everything happens for a raisin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.

It's called, "Prose and Cons".

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving through Portland, Augusta, and Bangor and was disappointed that I couldn't find any lobster.

I thought that was their Maine attraction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faceless-Pronoun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
An old man was driving his carpool through a tunnel and he said,

"These are the carpool tunnels."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XPSU
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m driving through England, and am supposed to stay in Greenwich for a day or two.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...

She says, β€œOh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, β€œI don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

πŸ‘︎ 443
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to my parents house for dinner and when I walked through the front door my mom asks,"Are you hungry?"

So I told Her,"No.I'm half German and half Irish."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my friend threw a coin at me and it went through my specs

He said heh you didn't exspec that

(Yes this actually happened today)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/suckmycanolaoil
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
This summer I'm traveling through spice and thyme. What about you?
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/f3derico
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:

β€œNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”

I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pranske3
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a couple who has been through so much shit and is still together

I present to you my ass cheeks

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giceman715
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Ghandi spent a lot of time walking through the desert, so his feet hurt and he was always thirsty and weak. It's also very hard to brush your teeth in the desert.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wrists are killing me from driving my coworkers everyday through tunnels and traffic.

Dr. Says I have a bad case of car pool tunnel.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife and I were driving through Pennsylvania today and drove by a place called Fort Necessity.

I looked at her and said β€œI’m trying very hard, but I don’t feel the need to go there”.

She didn’t say much to me the rest of our trip.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbrogart17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m rolling through the supermarket and I see these Bare Skin condoms...

And all I can think is, β€œGod please let it be panda”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brannono
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.

I said β€œson, what is A for?”

β€œApple!”

β€œThat’s right! What is B for?”

β€œBanana!”

That’s right! What is C for?”

β€œExplosive!”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
This morning, my wife was grinding coffee beans and suddenly said, β€œWe’re through.”

It was grounds for divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 369
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Went through a corn maze today and didn't like it...

Had an earie feeling that I was being stalked the whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.

As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hashsmasher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of friends are heading through Louisville and a debate ensues as to how to pronounce the name of the city.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says they say Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They all agree it would be great to hear how the locals pronounce the name of their city. They all go up to the counter and one says, could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly. BURR-GURR-KIIING!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Twas the night before the and all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring, because somebody stole all the spoons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/luna-love-good
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A mouse and an elephant are running together through the desert

The mouse looks behind him and says to the elephant, β€œlook how much dust we’re making!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maianotmia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.

But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If you accidentally leave some cash in your clothing and it goes through the washing machine,

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s white, light and sugary and swings through trees? ...

...a meringue-utan

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I am driving through England on a road trip, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 257
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.