my wife said she used all the olive oil

i said "couldn't you have just used some of oil?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tacomafrs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
American geologists found the largest deposits of oil.

And some unknown Arab country above it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Drilling for oil...

is boring.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when there is an oil spill in the middle of the ocean?

Black currents

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chenzi1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I bought extra virgin olive oil

After I used it it was just olive oil.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EthiopianBrotha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?

Attempted Hummus-ide.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Hydrogenated THC oil is a high margarine commodity
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCarrie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What makes oil boil?

The letter β€˜b’.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does extra virgin olive oil comes from ?

Really ugly olives.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Came home from the store with off-brand vegetable oil

wife threw it directly in the trash to teach me a wesson

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twitchard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
People were offended when I told them a joke about oil.

They did not like my crude humor. I'll have to refine it.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard a large oil company is making fuel out of bug urine...

I think it’s BP.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date, and all she kept talking about for three hours was olive oil

I’m thinking extra virgin

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sttommyboy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I spilled some oil

And now it’s spoiled .

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..

I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
If the price of oil futures goes any deeper, it will hit oil.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredLiwet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?

They have refined tastes

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Villagecreep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife shouted, β€œYou’re shirtless and also covered in oil?” I chuckled, β€œWell, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

β€œListen! You never listen!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...

β€˜Cos she’s worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Martin finds an old oil lamp

Genie: "You get three wishes. I can't kill anybody, I can't make anybody fall in love, I can't bring anybody back from the dead, and you can't wish for more wishes."

Alladin: "I wish that I was rich!"

Genie: "Done."

Rich: "... I wish that I have a lot of money."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluid-Visual
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.

That way you’re a smooth criminal.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the oil say when it crashed it's price into negative value?

Oil be back!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/woyteck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A jar of peanut butter needed an oil change

It went to JIFfy Lube

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of oil does Popeyes Chicken use?

Olive Oil

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hogfish79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Accomplished_Owl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?

A. Teach it proper manners!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the oil lamp say to the flickering candle?

Do you want to go out sometime soon?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/queen-fireheart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOil on Canvas.”—- Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œOil on canvas”——Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
πŸ‘︎ 209
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Oil on canvas. Hehe (best part? It was painted with acrylic!)
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_demonfluffy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
🚨︎ report
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?

After getting dating advice from a Redditor.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kioshi43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a ducks favorite motor oil?

Quacker state.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LambyRides
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Olive oil

My uncle Arnie asked me if I knew where extra virgin olive oil came from. I said no and he said very ugly trees.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TY2VETS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone shipped me a box of essential oils

And now I have a case of the vapors

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How much oil was spilled?
πŸ‘︎ 664
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms

Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XxStupidBusxX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Is that vegetable oil?

"No I melted some butter"

"Thanks for clarifying"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Drilling for oil

Is boring.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Which country has the most oil?

Greece

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shooked_bruv420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.