But my parents already did 🤪
"Oboy!"
I just got a job as an archeologist.
>!They have become merciless!<
Where do you take somebody that was in a peek a boo accident?
To the ICU
My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.
My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"
Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"
Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"
There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.
Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain
Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.
One of the common ones was went like this:
Victim: "hello?"
Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"
Victim: "yes, why?"
Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"
And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.
<ba-dum tsss>
The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".
Rolling Rock.
- Heard from a friend - Think might be an original.
But they should be called “Father Figures”!
I’m now an official member of the Miles sigh club
Cello
...
Boris Goneson
The official police report stated he went nuts.
They suspect the hijackers are a gang of hardened criminals.
You've officially hit rock bottom
..I'll just pick it up as I go along.
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
A Milpitas couple was being shown around Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolf, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!“
When the punchline becomes apparent.
It’s the first official case, of a Knick knack paddy whack.
They usually just pick it up as they go.
Cross Country!
At least I stuck to my principals.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
It’s called the Moo-trix.
I need my vax-in-nation certificate to book some flights
Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.
One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexico’s ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.
An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.
The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.
But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.
Much to Gomez’s misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.
Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomez’s operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexico’s hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.
The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L
... keep reading on reddit ➡Notre Dame held a funeral service for him but were then left with the task of finding a new bell ringer however they feared they would not find anyone with the talent to match Quasimodo.
The cathedral decided to hold an audition, all day many hopefuls showed their talent and the judges were spoiled for choice but none matched the beauty of Quasimodo's melodies. After the auditions wrapped up and the cathedral started to empty one man with no arms runs in apologising for being late and begging for a chance. The judges were apprehensive but decided to give him a chance any way and let him have a try.
Once he got to the top he started head butting the bells and produced a fine melody matching the skills of Quasimodo himself and the cathedral refilled with spectators.
After he finished playing the cathedral filled with applause but this startled the armless man who tripped and sadly fell to his death.
The priests started asking the audience if anyone knew this man for he never gave a name and they wanted to record him posthumously as an official bell ringer.
One man stepped forward from the audience and said...
"I don't know his name but his face rings a bell"
2 years in and I still can’t speak to oranges.
It must be viral.
Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
...it's my go-to brand for reposting.
He was just a tadpole
A Please Officer
It’s called “Hear Ye, Hear Ye.”
i see food i eat it
It was cyantifically proven
hit rock bottom.
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
They just pick it up as they go.
