"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retroman_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Turquoise is officially the best color

It was cyantifically proven

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OkayOpenTheGame
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
More women should officiate sports.

They are so good at pointing out everything men do wrong already.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?

Cardinal Directions

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamesNBooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What will you call it if an immigrant starts arguing with a priest?

Alien Vs Predator

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
World renowned tongue twister champion was officially charged in court today

They gave him a tough sentence. He got off better than his accomplice, The semi-colon, who is in between two complete sentences.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
2020 now has an official song...

β€œDon’t stand so close to me!” by The Police

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
2021 is officially here

So I guess 2020 is hindsight

[edit: I'd been waiting to post that!]

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....

Once a punnet time....

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 532
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit

It must be viral.

Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagbon98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If James Hetfield officiated a wedding between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.....

He would be the Pastor of Muppets

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proweld7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
You might not think engineers are brave...

But it took balls of steel to make the first bearings.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars...

or they could be charged with a salt.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you the official name of Santa’s Elves?

Subordinate Clauses

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManCaveGamer2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that the Fall is officially here, I can't wait to make tons of extra money gathering leaves..

.. last year I raked it in.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imaginator127
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When the priest continued ministering, after having been officially censured, what did his bishop say to him?

What we have, here, is a failure to excommunicate.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Czernobog44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.

You can hear a pin drop, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.

2020, 24 hours to go...

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of drunk state officials who make decisions?

A beeraucracy.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icantgivetitwanks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Official song of nun's formally leaving a convent:

Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Back in 56' my neighbor was arrested for supporting the USSR...

The officials said it was "a big red flag".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightmareVX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.

Woohoo, i got a yob! :D

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.

He was an artificial art official.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?

Oboy

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctureas
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone out shopping looking for paper towels can officially call themselves...

Bounty hunters

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
You know there's no official training for garbagemen?

They just pick things up as they go along.

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
It's official now

2020 won

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giryee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector?

They just pick it up as they go.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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