"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
Turquoise is officially the best color
It was cyantifically proven
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
More women should officiate sports.
They are so good at pointing out everything men do wrong already.
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.
But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?
What will you call it if an immigrant starts arguing with a priest?
World renowned tongue twister champion was officially charged in court today
They gave him a tough sentence. He got off better than his accomplice, The semi-colon, who is in between two complete sentences.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.
2020 now has an official song...
“Don’t stand so close to me!” by The Police
2021 is officially here
So I guess 2020 is hindsight
[edit: I'd been waiting to post that!]
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
My first official dad joke!!!
So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
If James Hetfield officiated a wedding between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.....
He would be the Pastor of Muppets
You might not think engineers are brave...
But it took balls of steel to make the first bearings.
Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars...
or they could be charged with a salt.
Do you the official name of Santa’s Elves?
Now that the Fall is officially here, I can't wait to make tons of extra money gathering leaves..
.. last year I raked it in.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.
They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.
When the priest continued ministering, after having been officially censured, what did his bishop say to him?
What we have, here, is a failure to excommunicate.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
What do you call a group of drunk state officials who make decisions?
Official song of nun's formally leaving a convent:
Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."
Back in 56' my neighbor was arrested for supporting the USSR...
The officials said it was "a big red flag".
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Anyone out shopping looking for paper towels can officially call themselves...
You know there's no official training for garbagemen?
They just pick things up as they go along.
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame
But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector?
They just pick it up as they go.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
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