I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nnishanth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My math teacher walked into the classroom, wrote a tiny number "7" on the board, then walked back out again.

I thought, that's a little odd.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What number is cooler than 7?

Refrigerate

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gmk0232
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

I mean, what are the odds?

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I found out what the number 7 was in Irish

I was "seacht" (pronounced shocked)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eliot3606
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Why is six afraid of seven?

7 was a well known 6 offender

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HisokaLaMagician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Apparently the COVID vaccine causes constipation

When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscargamble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The homes in my neighborhood are numbered 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13....

I've been told that it's prime real estate.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K418
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?

Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can’t rush the progress.

Chrome wasn’t built in a day!

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00dw0rk3r
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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Had a yen to be creative this weekend...

so I crafted a large numeral in the back garden. I chopped, sawed, planed, sanded, and painted that number till it looked amazing. My neighbour looked over the fence and enviously stated β€œNice one!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Noah's berries.

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreggAlan
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Why are calendars so rare?

because their days are numbered

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diegovalwoomy
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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You know what's odd?

Every other number

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marshmallows7920
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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I'm afraid for the calendar...

It's days are numbered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cloudz_69
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does the IRS hate Tusken Raiders?

They always single file, to hide their numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship

He was always getting hung up on little things, and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runawaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I’m quite worried about our calendar

I’ve heard it’s days are numbered

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuruWitch
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
There's an ongoing armed seige occurring at at the zoo...

The gunmen have taken a number of ostriches.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Dad, do trees poop?

Of course son. Where do you think number 2 pencils come from.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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I resigned from the ironing board.

Too many pressing issues and no way to de crease the number of suits against us.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Why does a calendar last for one year only?

Because its days are numbered

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, β€œWhat number shirt am I?”

The coach said β€œWear four out there, Romeo”.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calla89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...

But they’re a solid number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.

It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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How do you make number one disappear?

You flush.

Edit: The same works for number two, sometimes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeydude0514
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Man at the theatre asks the usher: β€œwhat’s my seat number?”

Usher responds: β€œ10-Q”

Man responds: β€œYou’re welcome. Now what’s my seat number?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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We need to add PR, DC, and Guam, as states.

53 is a prime number. Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubNationAssemble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"

I asked him "where's your number 1?"

He said "in the toilet"

I'm so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XandrosUM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I challenged number 1 to a fight, but he bought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9

The odds were against me

πŸ‘︎ 743
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fl1ppp3rs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mefingers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œThink of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 7. Add 2. Now close your eyes.”

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do I do this to myself?

Puns make me feel numb. Mathematical puns make me number.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

πŸ‘︎ 912
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dilborg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m afraid for the calendar

because its days are numbered.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamlet_71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Puns always make me numb...

But math puns make me number.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ULTIGOG1991
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I fear for the Calendar.

It’s days are numbered...

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilhelmfart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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