I told my doctor I hurt the spot between my femur and acetabulum at the new night club that just opened up. He responded,...

"oh, that's a hip joint!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2023
🚨︎ report
It was just confirmed that the man who fell off the 30th floor roof of a night club...

was not a bouncer.

πŸ‘︎ 862
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coop41321
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What happened to the cover band at the club last night?

They got arrested for impersonating The Police.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bucket_O_Beef
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm starting a club for night owls.

Who's up for that?

πŸ‘︎ 540
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TOYST_OF
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Last night I went to a nightclub called Club Foote.

It was lame.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stratdog25
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2022
🚨︎ report
Why is Will Smith working in a night club?

Cause he likes giving a slap dance

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I started a night club for men, with ED.

It was a total flop and nobody came.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Infectedtoe32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle do stand up?

No space left at open bike night

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OldTimeyMedicine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2023
🚨︎ report
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of Club orange. Then I woke up..

..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to open a night club called erectile dysfunction

It was a huge flop ...

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snellenpaul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t 4 get into the night club?

Because 4 was 2Β²

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to get into a trendy club last night. The bouncer said β€œI’m sorry, you’ve had too many!"

I said β€œWhat, drinks?”. He said β€œNo, birthdays”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Awesome-79
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a seal with a broken leg say to a shark?

If the seal is broken don’t eat it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wacey166
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrGutierrez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a club last night where they had a Superman themed night.

You should have seen the queue to the cloakroom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?

He was dissed by the prose at a rave.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed.

It was open mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I saw Pinocchio do stand-up at a comedy club last night.

I’m not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/junipurrberry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A night club owner begs an orthopedic surgeon to help his business.

"But why me?" Asks the orthopedic surgeon.

"Who else can fix the hippest joint in town!?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZigguratOfUr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Somewhere, right now, there is a night club where critics are raving. (X-post from r/showerthoughts)
πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Wolfson__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
🚨︎ report
There was a new gal at the vegetarian singles club last night

I'd never seen herbefore

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteCubeNinja
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A whole load of corn and cheese

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverPander
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
🚨︎ report
My cavewoman girlfriend dumped me.

I should have seen the writing on the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 201
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Join the club

At the dinner table last night, discussing extra curricular activities with the kids. I asked if anyone heard about the Kuwaiti group that gets together and appreciates fine putters, drivers and irons...

They're the Persian Gulf Golf Club Club.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Emailio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she

couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The

police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Rimshot

The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, β€œIf you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”

β€œNo way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”

He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.

The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.

The old comedian was astonished and asked, β€œWhat happened?”

β€œWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigfootNick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Late night in Glasgow

Was walking along to a club late at night in Glasgow (considered a dangerous city in the UK) and an elderly man says to us:

"You better keep your eyes open tonight lads"

To which we reply "why, what's going on tonight?"

"Because you'll not be able to see where you're going with them shut"

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/athanasios7592
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Talking to a dentistry student during a club meeting the other day.

We're on the exec team of the student run swim club at our university and were discussing who will be coaching the groups next season.

She mentioned that she "could probably do some fill-ins for another coach if they need the night off".

So I then asked her if she "could do some fill-ings too?"

Took a moment, then there was a collective groan from the rest of the group and a fist headed to my shoulder. Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_wilson3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Police have confirmed today that the man who fell from a night club roof.

Was not a bouncer.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the club last night?" the bartender asks. "Horrible, there wasn't a single girl in the place," the guy replies. "So what did you do?" the bartender asks. "Oh, I hit on a married one," the guy replies.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2022
🚨︎ report
I ordered 6 wings for 5 bucks at the strip club last night. Friend knew how to handle this.

Don't you know breasts are 50 cents a piece here?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lunarseed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
🚨︎ report
A cut above

Everyone was so excited at the Autopsy club.....
It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Playing poker

I was at my friend's poker night and we were playing texas hold 'em. On one of the hands the flop was a 3 of spades, a 7 of clubs, and a 2 of hearts.

Nobody really had anything so far and the hand went:

Friend 1 (small blind): "Check"

Friend 2 (big blind): "Check"

Friend 3: "Check"

Friend 4: "Check"

Friend 5: "Check"

Friend 6: "Check"

Me (dealer): We must be in the Czech Republic

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thebearjew559
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad told me a story of a night out he had when he was younger.

He was trying to get into a club one night, the club was busy, and when he got to the front of the line he could see the bouncer looking for an excuse to turn him away. "Sorry sir, you're just not dressed smart enough," He said, "you'll have to put on a tie."

So my dad starts walking up and down the street, asking people if he could borrow or buy their tie (he really needed to get in) but most people took him for some crazy person and turned him away. After trying for 10 minutes he saw a road side assistant car down the street. He rushed up to the operator and said "Please, I know you're not generally for this but by any chance do you have a tie I can borrow?" The serviceman replies "Sorry sir the best I can do is tie this set of jumper leads around your neck" He ties the leads around dad's neck and make it look all nice (making sure to hide the copper clips in his shirt), and dad heads back to the club. The bouncer looks him up and down again, nods and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything."

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiatorSam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Pun overload!

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gibbens15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floofing_Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Punographic dad jokes

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
Β· When chemists die, they barium. Β· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Β· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Β· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Β· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Β· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Β· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Β· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Β· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
Β· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
Β· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Β· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Β· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Β· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Β· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Β· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Β· Broken pencils are pointless.
Β· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Β· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Β· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Β· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Β· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Β· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Β· Velcro - what a rip off!
Β· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjp_716
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report

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