[need help] I have to host a fake wedding and I wanna fill my sermon with as much puns as possible
I think I'll start with "What is love? Baby don't hurt me", but then I have to say "we're gathered here today, ect.." and finish with "you may now kiss the bride",
It'll last about 1 minute, and I wanna really embarrass them. Any ideas?
But why, but why... too much pun.
My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!
My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.
He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.
What should I do?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
Ugh too much sugar I'm drowning here!
How much does a chimney cost?
I figured out why teslas cost so much.
It’s because they charge a lot.
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
“Hey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
My left nut thinks it's much better than my right nut...
He can be very egotesticle.
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter?
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
What do you call a triangle thats had too much to drink?
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
Why did AB hate O so much?
Because O was to negative.
The lumberjack loved his computer so much.
He especially liked logging in.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
Pirate gets his ears pierced. How much did it cost.
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
I don’t go to church much…
But I do drink religiously...
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
My mother is much smaller than me. I'm not sure how tall she is...
...But I know she's the minimum height.
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
My son told me he loved my cooking very much.
I asked if he'd vote for me if I ran for gour-mayor of our town.
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
When I saw how much she tipped me...
Studies have revealed that cows produce much more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of, in one ear and out of the uddet
A fraction too much friction
Why do horses love unicorns so much?
Because they’re always horny!
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
How much memory does it take to store a joke ?
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?
I was in McDonald's and I ask the worker how much for a big mac and fries
She said she didn't know, so I said roughly.
So in a deep voice she said "I DON'T KNOOOOW"
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house!
What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house
How much does it cost for Santa to park his sleigh
Nothing! It’s on the house!
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house!
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