And this old man asked if I was protesting. I explained that we were setting up wooden posts to keep people from parking too close to the building.
He said “looks to me like you’re making a stand....get it?”
It’s whisky business
was an evil genius.
is an evil genius.
There’s a small medium at-large.
Wife: (commenting on the state of her posterior, obviously a delicate topic) "It wouldn't be attractive if I had a 100% muscular butt: it's a good thing I make a little layer of fat to smooth it out and make me look feminine."
Me: "Well, you never do anything half-assed."
It was his own asphalt
He really fell into his work.
Tell him to exorcise caution
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
The plot thickens.
If he cries it's a boy. ...if she cries, it's a girl.
"Caution – This truck is full of Political Promises"
Humpty Dumpty wasn't very humpty, dumpt he?
<Note: delivered correctly, this joke will throw some children into fits of rage. Use with caution.>
CAUTION FLOOR FLIPPERY WHEN WET.
But I aired on the side of caution.
Caution: #3 will shock you
We were crossing the street and the crosswalk speakers goes "please cross with caution" and I hear from her "hey... Are you caution?.... Because I'm supposed to cross with you".
She didn't get much reaction from the guy she said it to so I had to turn around and just gave her a "niceee"
While I was out with my wife/kids, we decided to go into a local Honey store.
I always tell my boys to use caution in these stores because I am so afraid they'll break something. When I went to tell them ... I could feel it happening as I said it, as if I were saying it in slow motion:
"Okay boys, when we get in here... BEEEEEEEE careful!" Nobody laughed, and that's how I knew I had just committed a Dad joke.
Walking around San Francisco today, we see some yellow caution tape blowing around and she says "Well, someone threw caution to the wind..... "
girlfriend sees turtle stopped in the road and cautions me not to hit him. I response with "he probably got shell shocked."
The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"
"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."
Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.
"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.
"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"
"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"
Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumé I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."
That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"
Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"
"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."
Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.
I grew up in colorado and once we drove by a caution sign that read "falling rock" and my dad told us that chief falling rock was an native american chief and would attack cars with a club. The signs were there to mark the places he had attacked. Believed it for years.
So walking through the kitchen area there was a bunch of yellow caution tape over the sink. Which brought this awesome interchange about.
Co-Worker: I guess that sink must be broken.
Me: Nah... they just want us to be really cautious while using it.
Co-Worker glances out of the corner of his eye in a sort of blank stare / glare look. Success was mine that day!
Driving slowly to the parking lot at the beach, I leaned over and called to some people walking along, "Watch out!"
My daughter asked me why I'd done that.
I replied, "Well, the sign back there said 'Caution Pedestrians'!"
To properly organize it, my family had to start discussing what day my grandma's funeral would be before she actually died. My dad cautioned our speculation with "don't put the cart before the hearse."