A newsletter from our local MP in West Melbourne, Tim Watts
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontdousernanes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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a LibDem, Labour and Tory MP walk in to an Edinburgh bar....

... "you know" says the bartender "we don't get many of your type around here".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KroyMortlach
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
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One for the Brits

My dad was listening to a couple of Scottish MP's debating on the radio. He turns to us and goes "Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon. I always thought there was something fishy about those two."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_knox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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If sherlock Holmes was to get with your mum, and be elected to the house of Commons

He'd be a motherfucking PI MP

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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Responding to my photography friend's post the only way a dad can.

http://i.imgur.com/aMpD5QS.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tom555
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Dad joke made during a band performance.

My band had a performance yesterday. We have three saxophone players. One of plays only Alto saxophone, one of them alternates between playing Alto, Tenor and Baritone saxophone and the last plays both Tenor and Baritone saxophone.

The second two kept swapping each other's instruments or one of the other saxophones they had in the background. So at one point we had to wait for them to change while the rest of us were all ready to start playing the next song.

So, trying to make it less awkward for the audience I turn to them and I says 'I'm sorry, they're just playing ... Musical Instruments'

There was a collective groan/laugh from the audience and the drummer went ba-dum-tish And the trumpeter gave me a little wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm still giggling about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gonnnondorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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I know who I'm not voting for.

With a little one on the way I've been training hard.

While leafing through the mail I came across a flyer for my local MP and it was a really terrible picture of the guy. I showed it to my wife saying 'If he's not photogenic, then he's not vote-egenic'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abcSpectacular
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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