The con-clusion
So they called it a day
Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.
Make sure you at least get ahead of lettuce...
Fruit flies like a banana.
but he said I wasn't funny.
Yep! It says it right here, Hebrews.
Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.
Hands down...
I see that I still can’t see ..
I said maybe.
They both have bark.
I don't even have a cat
About five letters.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
I go under cover.
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"...
I hate how funerals are at 9am or 10 am.
I'm not a mourning person
58
Source: https://twitter.com/mskaybelle/status/1269123905870053376?s=19
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Mine is Bollywood
Happy Father's Day!
As soon as he comes through the door his wife excitedly tells him "Henry! You would never believe it! The sheep have formed a Jazz band! Isn't that great?!"
Henry, annoyed, replies "I know Mary, I fucking heard them."
Three letters.
They are cooked in Greece
There was the big tent, in front of me.
She said “ovariesy”
I was in the bathroom and she called from down the hall, "What's the brand name on my hair mousse?"
Looking at the bottle, I see the label has been rubbed off, so I say "It doesn't say, it must be... Anony-mousse!"
Credit to @AdamPacitti
**edit: for those saying he died on 3/13
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
My son is 8 years old and loves counting money and change. This morning went like this.
Son: counting change "Daddy, I have very little money."
Me: "No. It looks normal sized to me."
Then he proceeds to very dramatically roll his eyes.
... it runs in your jeans.
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:
Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"
So proud right now.
Mom walks in
Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.
Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!
Mom: haha you're funny.
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!
....
Me: Morning, What's up?
Dad: WE ARE! HAHAH
"HEY YOU!! Stop pushing that kid around!!"
Mom: So, Leafystormclouds840, we're leaving at 6?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Oh, have fungi-s!
Get it? For boating?
