My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...

Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl shouldn’t be a metaphor for pooping

It should be a metaphor for constipation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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I went on a date with a girl called simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Richardbaconaise
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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One time I lowered my standards when it came to a girl but I told my friends afterwards the girl was hot like a summer day in the Sahara. You could say I metaphor.

Get it? Met-a-four?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raging64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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My child has been learning what a metaphor is

I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good?

Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete!

Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh'

I'm so proud of myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepineapplehea
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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When it comes to metaphors about knowledge, no ledge is too high to aspire to
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisguysucks2much
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My Friend asked me if I wanted to hear an interesting metaphor...

I told him β€˜metaphors are shit’

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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It's hard to use metaphors around kleptomaniacs

They always take things, literally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giantonail
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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What's a Metaphor

Cows and sheep Mostly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattstaExploda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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My wife is a metaphorical alchoholic

She wines so much!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?

Metaphors be with you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P_Creative
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Favorite number? Four. Why?

I never metaphor I didn't like.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManosVanBoom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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What do you call a theater production near the equator that uses figurative or metaphorical themes?

Tropecal!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObligitoryApe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2015
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Scandinavian Joke of the Day

Holger was sawing wood in his backyard when he was approached by a salesman who said, β€œYou know, you could be sawing twice as much wood if you got an electric saw.”

β€œDat may be so,” said Holger, β€œbut I don’t need twice as much wood.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Hyde
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Change...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOneOboe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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My 7 year old wasn't up to speed on this one...

While I was putting away the lawnmower right as the sun was setting.

"Daddy, good thing you mowed fast, or it would be dark!"

"That's right honey, I never could have finished if I moved in slow-mow"

My wife threw a tomato at me from the garden.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skittlebrau46
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
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I made my wife smack me last night.

The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.

I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.

So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.

She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"

I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."

She smacked me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/argash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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What did the kids in the English class use to take their test?

They used a metaphor because it is a literary device.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Why did the poet hire a security guard?

He didn't want his metaphors to be taken literally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kungfujohnjon1
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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As I was telling him about this subreddit...

Dad: Hey son, whats a metaphor? Me: It compares two... Dad: COWS TO GRAZE IN!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeWeevil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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A son went to his father

He said, "Dad, what if I like cows AND bulls?" The father replied, "It's okay, I do too. We're bi, son." A dad joke, metaphorically and literally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MASrocks1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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Last night I met a three...

It went way better than the time I metaphor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDiddler1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2017
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Last night I met a girl and said urinate. But when I woke up it turns out...

I metaphor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuroghost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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Homework help becomes dad joke.

My daughter asks, "Dad, can you give me a sentence with a metaphor in it."

"I went to the singles club hoping to find a hot chick, but I metaphor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry2Laugh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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Thought I had my daughter, until she turned it around on me

Daughter (exasperated): Dad, it's a metaphor. Me (excited): Ooo. I never met a four. Are they like threes? Daughter: Yeah, just a little bigger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/resonantSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Yesterday one of my friends and I went to guitar center

and we found a Schecter C1 with a natural wood finish and spent like an hour playing it, despite being in the middle of a room packed full of exotic guitars. I own a Schecter bass and through playing a few different models I have come to the conclusion that Schecter is the Valve of guitar manufacturers, but I'm not here to wax poetic about Schecters, I can do that on my own time.

Anyway, we went home afterwards and he posted a status on Facebook about it, which included the line

> ...and in a room full of hyperexotics, spent an hour metaphorically jerking off to a Schecter C1.

I replied with

>>metaphorically

and he came back with

>They don't call it a wood finish for nothin'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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I once went on a date with a girl called Simile.

I don't know what I metaphor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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