Metaphors And Puns

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

He said, "Dad, what if I like cows AND bulls?" The father replied, "It's okay, I do too. We're bi, son." A dad joke, metaphorically and literally.

and we found a Schecter C1 with a natural wood finish and spent like an hour playing it, despite being in the middle of a room packed full of exotic guitars. I own a Schecter bass and through playing a few different models I have come to the conclusion that Schecter is the Valve of guitar manufacturers, but I'm not here to wax poetic about Schecters, I can do that on my own time.

Anyway, we went home afterwards and he posted a status on Facebook about it, which included the line

> ...and in a room full of hyperexotics, spent an hour metaphorically jerking off to a Schecter C1.

I replied with

>>metaphorically

and he came back with

>They don't call it a wood finish for nothin'.