Because everything is a Target.
I’ll take my ban now.
Thank goodness I had to go back and get my kid!
Because they couldn’t find the Target
Once inside, the man takes the dog and starts swinging it around, above his head, by the leash. The dog is whining, yelping and causing an overall scene. A panicked Wal-Mart employee runs up to the man and asks him what he thinks he's doing. The man responds, "Oh, you know. Just looking around."
Because I really needed to buy a K
Man, De Lorain
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
..it was a ripoff
We were walking around getting stuff for my step dad's birthday and I ask if we can leave soon because I hate Wal-Mart, and she replies "No I'm not rushin" and automatically I reply "I know, we're scottish."
Context : We're americans with scottish background, if ya couldn't catch on.
QuickEdit: Wording
Behind this guy buying condoms and cough drops... I think to myself, man this guy is fucking sick.
"Somewhere, a snowman is singing soprano..."
I was walking around Wal-Mart with my girlfriends parents and brother, and her mom and I were talking about certain brands of toilet paper.
Him: Do you know what they call people who are picky about their toilet paper? ... anal!
His wife groaned and walked away, I laughed, high fived him and continued walking and talking with him.
Old Neeeeiiiiighvy
"Hey, Dad I need to run out to the store. Would you like to come with?" "Yeah I could use some things" "Okay does 4:30 work?" "No but it's polishing its applications at least"
She said "I have to get Midol." I asked "What's her name?" "Who?" "Your doll."
Customer: "Do you have any rutabagas?"
Me: "No, we're fresh out."
Customer: "You mean you're stale out..."
Me: 'I know how you feel. I can't go to Wal-Mart without dropping a few bones too'
We've been trying to eat healthier so we got a bunch of fresh produce at the store. I put some squash in the front of the basket where the coupons were and my wife said, "Oh man, you squashed my coupons."
A friend was reading the news story aloud.
Friend: "After shopping, she wandered behind Wal-Mart where authorities found her later." Me: "So...what you're saying is, she shopped til' she dropped?"
Rolled eyes and disgruntled moans were passed all around.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just saw 'Batman' shampoo in Wal-Mart today," the guy says. "Well, I certainly hope they come out with 'Conditioner Gordon' to go with it," the bartender replies.
Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is late… Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.
So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But you’re late every day. Bill Replies.. ‘yea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.’ The manager asks ‘Bill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?’
Bill thinks for a minute, and replies ‘Good Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?’
I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, "wow this is really heavy" to which I responded "No, they're light. It even says so on the box." I was so proud of myself.
He's going to have a great fall.
If he owned Wal-Mart, would it be called Wahl-Mart?
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Kroger
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Wal-Mart
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Lucky's
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Whole Foods
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Winn Dixie
etc, etc
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
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June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
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July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
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July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
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July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
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August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
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August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
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August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
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August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
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September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
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September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
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October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
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October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
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October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
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October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
- Took a bo
In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish
I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.
She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"
I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."
Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"
At the VoldeMart!
Joke 1:
My sister was talking with my dad about the show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask “how do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with “I accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.
Joke 2:
My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says “Huh, this is a... Little Chewy!”
There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."
I replied: "Do you know where I buy all my potassium?"
"no... where?"
"K-Mart"
I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
