I’m getting real sick of millennial’s attitudes…
Who do they think they are, walking around like they rent the place.
“!desrever m’I won dna gnorw enog sah gnihtemoS !deneppah tahw wonk t’nod I daD”
My Latina wife used to seductively roll her r’s when speaking Spanish to me. But now that I’m into telling dad jokes she doesn’t do that anymore.
These days she just rolls her eyes.
I’m worried about my Uncle. He’s obsessed with owning every Beatles album on vinyl.
Vet is explaining what’s wrong with a woman’s dog and says “I think I’m going to have to put him down.” Woman: “Oh my God, is it that bad?!?”
Vet: “No, he’s just really heavy.”
They say you can tell a dad’s age from the color of his beard, but I’m not sure how accurate that is.
There seems to be a real grey area.
I’m not sure what’s going on in my neighborhood with the trees. We went cycling today and there were trees everywhere and I don’t trust them.
They all seemed kind of shady.
Look, I know it’s not butter, but if I’m being honest,
the difference is margarinal.
Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?
Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
someone gifted me this jar of wet soil. i’m not sure what to do with it, but it’s a nice sediment.
I’m making my dad a jar of dad jokes for Father’s Day
He’s under a lot of stress caring for my mom and I thought it might lift his spirits. Hit me with your best ones. PG-13 OK, but nothing he can’t read to my pre-teen niece.
My daughter asked me to put a crown on her. There’s no way I’m gonna do it.
I’m not qualified to perform that kind of dental work.
I just discovered that I’m attracted to both men’s and women’s arms…
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with and she said yes
… all the others were nines and tens
There’s a guy in my town who’s hosting events every weekend. Of course I can’t always be there but everytime I don’t show up he tells everyone in town I’m a bad guy and that I should burn in hell.
I’m a fan of heavy metal and I have Crohn’s disease- I call myself Megadeth because…
When I go to the bathroom, it’s a symphony of destruction.
I’m clever and lame. It’s the only way to live.
A lumberjack was cutting down a tree when he heard a groan. He stopped, listened, and thought he heard a voice. “Who’s there?” he asked. “It’s me,” said the tree. “I’m a talking tree.” The lumberjack paused for a moment, contemplating, then swung again with impunity and said…
“If you’re a talking tree, then you should die a log.”
Well, today’s my birthday but I’m only celebrating it for half a minute
It’s my 30-second birthday.
I’m attracted to one of the Simpson’s
It’s my birthday and I’m turning 37!
Guess you could say I’m in my prime.
Our roof has been overrun by lichen and I’m worried that tonight’s a full moon
I don’t want to live in a warehouse
Texas A&M Corpus Christi’s mascot
The Islander, is being replaced, with something more politically correct but as yet undecided. My spouse, having recently returned from a nature cruise, suggested “The Manatees,” and that the mascot color should be pink. I responded that it should of course be MULTI-colored, so that opposing fans upon losing, would cry out,
“Oh, the hued manatees!”
I think I’m falling in love with my friend’s butler.
I found a pastry in my car but I’m not sure when it’s from.
Guess I’ll have to use car bun dating.
I came home the other night to find my wife crying on the floor. I said “what’s wrong?” She said “I’m homesick”. I said “what do you mean, you’re at home.”
She said “I know. I’m sick of it.”
I’m reading about Dr. Stanley Milgram’s experiments on obedience to authority for a psych course.
I’m the person who stole this guy’s elevator joke
I have never gone so low in my life
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
My 10 year old while we’re talking about wrestling and I’m focused on driving: dad, do you know who’s stronger than the rock??
I’m glad it’s 2022…
Time to even things out after the odd 2021.
My wife thinks I’m a total klutz and is always worried I’m going to hurt myself accidentally. I don’t take it personally , she’s always been a pessimist
Even her blood type is B negative
So, a baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I a polar bear?”. The mother says, “well, I’m polar bear, your dad’s a polar bear, your grand mother and grand father are polar bears, so why do you ask?”.
The baby polar bear responds, “Because I’m fucking freezing!!!”
I had a dad’s moment yesterday during the zoom call with my two bosses who questioned me for poor progress of the project I’m working on.
- I hope you understand the amount of trouble you’re in?
- I do Jeff, and please don’t call me urine.
I’m a rough carpenter and I couldn’t find the stud so I said out loud in anger where’s the stud.
Then he said “I’m right here, here you go” and hands me the stud finder
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
I’m watching the White Sox and Yankees play a Major League game at the field where the filmed the “Field of Dreams.” It’s truly a-maizing.
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I don’t really publicize the fact that I’m Thor’s brother.
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
I’m a server and here’s a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.
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