Look, Algebra, get over her, move on.
Stop asking us to find your X!
My teen going over to a friend's house looks in mirror: What state is my face in?
My wife: Kansas
I felt so proud of her.
the morning of my bday my bf just looks over at me and goes “babe you dont look a day over 25”
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”.
The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
Yesterday my daughter says, "Ewww! Dad, look over there! There's a dead crow!"
I asked, "It wasn't wearing a mask was it?" She replied, "No, it wasn't." I said, "It probably died of Crowvid then." <Cue groans from daughter>
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar, the bartender looks over and says
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"
The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"
A three legged dog walks in to a bar. He looks over at the bartender and says
“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
We are standing at Depoe Bay, Oregon watching the whales. I point at a bird (ironically), “look Patty, a seagull!” My wife replies, “no, it’s a bagel.” “Why is it a bagel?” “Because it’s over the BAY!” That’s pretty funny, but...
The thing is she didn’t just make up this joke, but this is the first time I’ve heard it. We’ve been married for 18 years. That means that she’s been waiting for 18 years until we were near the ocean, at a bay, waiting for a seagull to fly over. The dad joke is above average, but statistically speaking, she has my respect 100%.
A ribeye looks over at the spiky hammer, and asks the cube steak, "What's that?"
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:
It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"
I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.
My daughter asked that I not be funny when her friend came over because she said, I’m unorthodox. I offered to grow my sideburns out and wear a hat so then I would look fully orthodox.
‘That’s exactly what I mean’ she said
I went over to my dad's house this morning for breakfast. With a worried look, I turned to him and said, "Dad, did you know there's mold in your fridge?"
He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.
When Sir Isaac Newton was about to release his book on gravity, he had his friends look over the draft...
It was a preview of coming attractions!
My 22-year-old son came up with this joke and I thought it too special to not share!
Or something like that to get me gold, silver and platinum awards. Thanks in advance!
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One looks over and says "its getting warm in here!"
The other replies "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
So we are working in the yard today and I look over at my wife and say, "You know what they say about gardening.....
My dad genetically modified a bunch of plants to look like him...now there are green daddys all over the lawn
Mom nearly fell over the babygate and my dad looks up from the table.
"Did you enjoy the trip?"
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers,
“WHOA, a talking muffin!"
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