A new stationary store opened near me. It must be legitimate.

I haven’t seen it move at all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeyshinenyc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2022
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I legitimately named my son Owen

Since thats what I will be doing for the next 18 years

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freshmallard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JachaelMickson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2022
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Today was my son's fourth birthday party. I didn't recognize him at first.

I'd never seen him be four.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2022
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What do you call a musical group of whales?

An orcastra!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blademir1708
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2022
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Scotland is known to have a Nessie, but the USA has...

Ten Nessee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkade14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2022
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how do you make a squid laugh?

With ten tickles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acool_username
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2022
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This is a movie I would legitimately watch.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Perfect joke setup

***This legitimately happened to me!

I recently had a birthday and my wife decorated with balloons. During dinner with my family, she mentioned how it cost a ridiculous amount of money to get them inflated at a party store even though she already had the balloons, and that she ended up buying helium tanks and inflating them herself. My sister says, β€œWow… I didn’t realize helium was so expensive!” I just shrugged and said, β€œInflation!” The perfect birthday pun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big-Patient-5425
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2022
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Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water?

The female will sink but the male is boyant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brutalanglosaxon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2022
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What do track stars eat before they run a race?

Nothing.... they fast

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2022
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I've legitimately practiced for this one. I'm so glad I was prepared when it happened.

I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.

Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.

Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?

Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.

The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!

Thank you guys, I was prepared.

Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).

Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.

Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Thank you for this sub [META]

I have so say a big thank you to all that contribute these great Dad jokes every day. For the last few months I have been absolutely tormenting my wife with these under the guise of asking a legitimate question or making a statement. It's been a great summer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S_A_Patterson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
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I don't understand why there today is a holiday for refusing to accept that you have to pee

Can someone explain Tinkle Denial to me please?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolfgangIronjaw
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2022
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This legitimately happened

My neighbor and I have an inside joke about dry ice I saw him and said it’s not as Icey today as I thought he replied it certainly is not a dry Christmas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Procrafter5000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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MY 1st legitimate dad joke.

The rest were illegitimate because I wasn't a father to them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphadelt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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I have a legitimate phobia of elevators

I'm taking steps to avoid them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Driving down the road...

We pass a farm and my dad says:

Dad: hey did you know the FDA is banning those round bails of hey!

Me: No! What? Why? (I was legitimately concerned)

Dad: Yeah! Apparently cows weren't getting a square meal....

Me: ...sighs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsYaBoi97
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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Sukkot is the most thrilling of Jewish holidays...

It's in tents!

(technically tents would not make a legitimate Sukkah, but they do make decent puns)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabonko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
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Coffee inspired Dad Joke

screenshot

She was legitimately upset at her husband (Sorry, I'm new to linking / embedding images)

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Dad joke Business

We'll give you a hand...if you give us your tows.

  • honest to God, that is a legitimate business slogan of the local tow truck company.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanaka_Sensei
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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/u/Juiceman17 on canoeing

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2d7304/our_canoes_got_stuck_and_this_guy_comes_to_help/cjmua87

>/u/juinjing: Can't you canoe faster than you can swim? Legitimate question. I am not an aquatic man.

>/u/Juiceman17: A canoe is certainly faster than a cannot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiKSh4w
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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