I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
π︎ 227
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
π︎ 91
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
π︎ 598
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canβt beat βem, join βem.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
π︎ 269
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
What is something a Christian kid plays?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
My kid couldn't figure out how to pronounce abominable so I drew a guide
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
I went to McDonaldβs and ate a kidβs meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
π︎ 94
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Im gonna tell my kids that the Titanic was carrying a lot of mayonnaise
And that it sunk on the 5th of May which is why we commemorate the Sinko de Mayo
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Just got a ps5 for my kids.
π︎ 214
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a kid that doesnβt believe in Santa Claus?
So what do you call a kid that doesnβt believe in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus (insert all the groans here)
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
After a heated argument, my kid shouted βJim Morrison was overratedβ
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
The wife, taking a selfie with the kids: "Cheese kids!"
Me: That's a common mistake, but they're actually real kids.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My favorite hobby as a kid was building sandcastles with my grandpa
...until my mom hid the urn from me.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.
Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
Just to remind me why there's no money in there.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
My kids are asking for a ping pong table for Christmas this year, but I told them that isnβt an easy decision.
A lot of bouncing back and forth.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That shit is getting old," I told him.
PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
Trying to remember a joke about boomerangs I heard as a kid...
Hopefully itβll come back to me eventually.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My friend who is a simp has a kid
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Why did the kid get a virus on his computer?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
Why did the kid wrap all his books in a blanket?
So that he could cover the entire syllabus.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
What do you call an unvaccinated kids in a swimming pool?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
I told my kids, "Did you know Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts and his name wasβ¦"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 06 2020
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg
It's just a stocking filler
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
I had to go find my kid in a farmers field
My kid said, "Why did you come and get me?"
Me: "Its pasture bed time."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
As a secret agent, my kids never know what I got them for Christmas..
I always keep the presents under wraps.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
π︎ 362
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
βA catβ I said. βCats love fish.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
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