Jealously Puns

I’m brimming with disdain for you

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

I didn’t want to toot my own horn.

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

I take extra D on the side that time of year

They don’t have to go to work till tooth hurty.

They will never be older.

NV

My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"

She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.

Because she could wash her crack and sell it again 💁

I guess it is a pretty cushy job!

He has the coolest dad ever!

Because Red Blue Green.

Why are all the lady planet jealous of Saturn?

Because it has so many rings!

Complements of my wife.

So he cadaver all to himself.

Because people are always fawning over Bambi.

So, I inherited my father's hilariously lame sense of humor and love of dad jokes. A few years ago I was Skyping with my parents and my mom was telling me how they would come home and find our cats up on the kitchen table laying on the laptop. She said something along the lines of "I wonder why they're doing it so much."

I responded (rather quickly, I might add) with "They're probably looking at kitty porn."

My dad was mad that he didn't think of it himself.

I said, "no big deal, you'll just have sweet dreams."

He replied with: thanks, I grew it myself.

He got a high five for that.

My second dad was jealous.

So the other week the lady and I went for a hike up in the Berkeley Hills and we came across some cows. There were two cows that were affectionate towards each other and their hair colors matched ours (she has red hair, I have black) and she said oh look, that's us if we were cows!

Fast forward to this morning. We were lazy getting out of bed (one too many fernets last night) and I mentioned we should pay a visit to our cow buddies.

She replies with the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen her do: "Dont you mean our COW-nterparts?!"

I had to push her off me and get outta bed after that one. (Mostly jealous that I didn't think of it)

Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.

My 4 yr old son and I went to a convention this weekend. We had to bring a stroller, because of all the walking. Usually when we went to panels and shows, we would get Isle seats because of the stroller. We roll up to our seat and sit down. My son hangs out in the stroller.

The man in front of us turn around and says, "Middle of the isle. Clear view of the stage. I'm jealous."

My 4 yr old son replies, "Hi, Jealous." without even missing a beat. I was proud.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

We saw the hitter on the other team swing with his left arm, then again with his right. My coach pointed it out and I looked her straight in the eye and said "I'm jealous coach, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous"!

We are doing karaoke with the kids. My coworker sitting next me says, "I love Adele" after two kids sang.

My boss said "I'm using a HP, not a dell."

I'm totally jealous right now, cause now I wanna be a dad.

My dad always joked with me wanting me to shave my face, and of course once one of my friends comes to visit my house he gets them on his side. I then said to my clean-shaven dad "you're just jealous because you have nothing on your face".

To which he replied "I've had many things on my face". I was literally speechless, whilst doing a silent type of laughing as my friend had a very awkward expression on his face.

My roommate asked us if she should curl her hair or straighten it Guy Roommate 1: "We like you so much better with curly hair" Guy Roommate 2: "Yeah, you're such a bitch when you straighten your hair" Me: "Seriously, your hair goes straight to your head!"

... (awkward silence followed by berating me with anti-pun comments, jealous)

Edit: grammar stuffs

My girlfriend and daughter (2 yo) were snuggling on the couch and I told her daughter I was jealous, jokingly. She replied, "nice to meet you, jealous. I'm Lizzy!"

She's good...

My mother has given birth to 5 boys, no girls, of which I am the oldest. Sitting at dinner after two of my younger brothers duked out, my mother begins...

"There are too many penises in this house!"

Dad replied, "Oh, you're just jealous."

"No, I'm not. I much prefer my boobs."

"Sounds like you're in denial."

I chimed in, "Don't you mean penile?"

I was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from my father and a roll of the eyes from my mother. The signs of a good days work.

A rather tall friend of my son's was telling me and some other boys how he dunked (a basketball) today. This boy is taller than I am. The other boys were jealous, but didn't know what to say. I told him that I was dunking earlier today too, but then I ran out of Oreos. I actually got some laughs.

One of my coworkers brought an orange in to eat for breakfast at work. Another employee told her, "That orange smells delicious?"

Of course she set me up so I had to say, "Orange you jealous??"

Then she acted like she was going to throw a coffee mug at me.

Dad: Did I tell you? One of my co-workers went on a vacation to Africa a little while ago.

Me: What? No, that's awesome!

Dad: The resort was in the style of an oasis, so when he looked out the balcony he could see the rolling desert for miles! He told me there was wildlife everywhere out there too. Said a big group of elephants went running by one night.

Me: Really? That's crazy, I'm so jealous!

Dad: Yeah. He said another went by the next day wearing a pair of sunglasses.

Me: Wait... what?

Dad: I asked him if it was the same group and he said, "I couldn't tell, they were wearing sunglasses!"

Because it’s Tuesday.