My wife said she's leaving me because everything I say is irrelevant

How can she do this to me when her cousin has just bought a new coffee table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglefacejake9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Hi or low yield is irrelevant
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pedroxus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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What do you call a ghost's boobs?

Paranormal entitties.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazy-aubergine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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"It's irrelevant!"

"No it's not an elephant."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cynicaldead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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"Dad I think that's kind of irrelevant"

"Irrelevant? That's a circus animal!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dclax07
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Did you hear about the man who collected watches?

He had a lot of time on his hands

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terri_Fried
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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My grandfather sold abacuses for a living in the 1960s.

He was part of the counter culture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Dad dropped this one on my family today

My dad went to the dentist after having an incredible tooth ache for the past two days. He told us that the pain in his mouth was just slightly greater than having children. My mom and sister began to describe how unimaginably painful giving birth to a child is. Dad looked at my sister, grinned, and responded that their points were irrelevant, since the pain was still greater than having children

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djnelly
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
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You could say her pachyderm didn't matter...

Her elephant was irrelevant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colinmacus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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My Grandpa got me, and I got my friend

So, a little story Alright, so I'd say I was in about 6th or 7th grade. One day my Grandpa (Pop) and I are driving down the road, for some irrelevant time story amount of time. We end up down some country road that passes a bunch of cattle fields, and as we're driving he turns down the radio and he asks "Do you think those cows are very smart?" And I ask why. He responds with "You know, cause they're out standing in the field." That man, let me tell you.

Alright, fast forward to about 3~4 years. My friend and I were driving to another friends house, and we ended up on the same road, with the same cows in the field. Guess what I asked him. And I swear on my Grandfather's grave, my friend stopped his car, and asked me to get out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anndrew_j_scott
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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After watching the new Terminator...

I quoted part of the movie in front of my family "What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it?? Irrelevant!". Not sure if that counts, but I laughed and they groaned, that's usually how they go, right??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormshiftx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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