Basilic Instinct
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Babouche_Chromee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Herd Instinct
πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/collins432
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Mother's instincts
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frogGuardian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My 3yr Old Daughter Has Good Dad Joke Instincts

We are hanging out and I'm asking her silly questions.

I asked, "Does a horse say "meow"?" She quickly responded with a big smile... "Nay!"

I'm a proud poppa.

πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1dolla2dolla
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't need to follow my instincts...

I know where they hangout.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Daughter: Dad, what are instincts?

Dad: I don't know, what does your gut tell you?

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report
As a solider, my first instinct when I see trouble is to run to it, but my Sargent always tells me....

...that before I can run, I need to learn to March first.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my wife she had bad instincts...

And her out-stinks are even worse

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Goats don't instinctively know, and have to find out for themselves, that if you sleep with a jackass, mule regret it.
πŸ‘︎ 275
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pnewell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
🚨︎ report
How do they milk oats?

So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.

I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"

My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"

I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost skunk

A mother skunk had two baby skunks. She named them In and Out. Mother skunk sent her two babies out to play so In and Out both went outside. At supper time Mother skunk called for In and Out to come in. Out skunk came in but In was no where to be found. Mother skunk sent Out back out to find In but to no avail. Out came back in to tell Mother In could not be found. Mother skunk went out and found In almost immediately. How did she do it........ Instinct.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bbiiggdd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry if I posted this urination pun before

It's a weepost.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 441
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
House Fire

When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied β€œI’m an extractor fan”.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialBKay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I was about to get mugged by these guys on the street

But I saw it coming and instinctively ran. My adrenaline was pumping as they were chasing after me and I kept glancing over my shoulder and they were big guys and catching up to me! Luckily a gun shop was open, so I ran in, all the way to the back of the store and leaned against a large metal cabinet used for locking up guns. The clerk saw me and said: "Are you okay, can I help you?"

I put my hands on the cool metal of that cabinet, caught my breath and said: "Thanks. I feel safe now"

*edit wording

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,

I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GriffinGelz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The best joke since sliced bread

So was heading out of my room to the hallway and right when I opened the door, I ran into my roommate eating a plain slice of bread. We both surprised each other, so we just froze for a second. I don't even know how it happened, but the words instinctively came out of my mouth as if I was born to say them.

"Looks like I caught you...bread-handed."

πŸ‘︎ 513
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guess_my_password
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
🚨︎ report
He often broke into song. Because he could not find the key
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningWing
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2012
🚨︎ report
We have a latte fun at my work...

So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.

Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”

Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lantec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled this every single time I wanted to know which episode of The Simpsons was coming on as a kid

We used to watch The Simpsons every night, and the conversation about 10 minutes before the show would start went like this

Me: "What's The Simpsons about tonight?"

Dad: "About half an hour"

Eventually, and I'm talking years, I started to remember to phrase it differently instead of just asking what I instinctively would, but he never missed a beat

Me: "Which episode is coming on tonight?"

Dad: "The one that's about half an hour"

πŸ‘︎ 350
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dougasaurus_Rex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm about to go outside.

So I'm heading outside to go shopping, and I grab my sweatshirt. My dad says that it was too warm outside, just leave it. I, instinctively, said "cool", and he said "no, warm". I dont think I could have sighed any harder at that moment.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHatGod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
🚨︎ report
I couldn't resist myself during a meeting yesterday.

While reaching for the phone near the beginning of the meeting, my supervisor bumped his coffee cup and coffee sloshed over onto the desk and some papers. He laughed a little and just said something about it being a waste of good coffee.

My dadjoke instincts kicked in, and I agreed by saying, "A grind is a terrible thing to waste." I am proud to say it was well received.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tananda7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
🚨︎ report
During this lighting storm, my 9 year old daughter got me...

It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh & says "daddy, I wasn't that scared". I reply "sorry baby, I was just checking". She goes "I'm ok, it just shocked me" & then laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BXRomeo8586
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked a cute girl at the police station today

I had just gotten in an accident and was there to pay a bond to get my license back. As I'm walking into the waiting area, I see this cute girl around my age crying.

I turn to her and ask, "Are you ok?

She replies, "I just got into an accident, my shoulder hurts, and there's damage to my car. I'm dandy.

So, instinctively I reply, "Oh, I'm Noah. Nice to meet you Dandy."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noahjerome
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Don't get wet...

I'd announce to my family that "I'm going to take a shower," or "I'm off to swim practice" and my dad would instinctively respond, every single time... "don't get wet." For some reason, it was hilarious to him! And now I say it to my housemates...

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MAtoDC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Working at kmart during the holidays.

My coworkers were talking amongst them selves attempting to find where a Frozen doll goes, I come around the corner right then and instinctively respond with "have you checked in the freezer section?"... I got a couple of chuckles from them and carried on with my day. Was worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFappingston
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my history class...

So i was in history and my group was exchanging contact info for a project. My teacher says "Okay do you all have contacts now?" My fatherly instincts kick in, i raise my hand and say "Nope i still have glasses." Laughter ensues

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/titanitedemon01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad dadjoked a waiter.

I was at a restaurant with my family, when my dad did this: The waitress was a little clumsy, and almost dropped her platter of glasses while collecting empty ones. While doing this, she muttered under her breath "God...". My dad heard this and his first response instinct was to say "Yes? You called?" The waitress laughed and so did I, but still, it was a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ebonhearted
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2014
🚨︎ report
And now I'm in the club.

My wife and I are at my parent's house and needed some eggs. There were 3 different cartons but one of them had X's on the eggs. My wife says that she thinks they are hard boiled eggs and I instinctively reply that "it's because they weren't 21." Shook my head in shame of what I said, then chuckled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jamcan162
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.